A Year

A year....                    

The other day I was looking at Jacqui's Instagram account, looking for a particular picture thinking that it would take a long time to find because it was posted last spring. I was so surprised to find that it was only a few pictures back.  That can mean only one thing - she's been gone since last spring - a year.   A year where time has stood still and flown by - it's the longest, shortest year of my life. 

Surprises like that happen all the time - it's all still such a shock - so unbelievable.  Maybe because after all, with all the ups and downs, all the happy and sad, all the shock and awe of those five years - when she died - it was a surprise.   As evidenced by what I wrote on the evening of May 20, just hours before we said our last good-bye:

I was looking at Instagram and noticed that Jacqui's last entry was Friday,

in fact I had to go a long way back to find it.  

And her last post on Facebook was also on Friday.  

Twitter - not sure,  I'm not so into that.  

The truth is she hasn't been posting, she hasn't picked up her iPad since

Monday and the last time she used her phone was a funny little one sided phone call yesterday

 - her side was pretty quiet.  

The fact is that our little "miss social network" is not doing very well.  

Another crisis on Sunday is taking its toll and right now she is not well at all.

The doctors aren't hopeful at this point and we are just waiting to see how things progress

One part of me thinks "this is it"

the other side is thinking "she'll be riding her bike on the ridge by the weekend"

... she always bounces back, but we just don't know.

Right now she is quiet, sedated and her breathing is very laboured.  

I'm home for a few minutes right now and while driving home I thought of

a couple of things that I can't wait to tell her ...

But then I think - will she wake up?   Who will I tell these things to?

So sad

Last week Jacqui had a very meaningful week with conversations

and visits that left her feeling very peaceful and ready for what is to come.

 Not resignation, but open armed acceptance.

Ready for a new adventure.

The ultimate in travel, concerts and fine dining with many who have gone on before

So time will tell.

More with us mere mortals or...

The "big" goodbye was just the beginning of a thousand little goodbyes that happen every day.  The realization when I wake up, when I come home, when I hear someone coming up the steps to our front door, when I drive her car, the empty room that I walk past, the hair elastics I find in weird places, scribbled notes, thoughtful cards, all the recipes in my recipe box that she rewrote for me, daily memories on Facebook, songs (all the songs), new seasons of her favorite TV shows, movies that she had been waiting for,  seeing her prosthetic in the storage room, wearing her clothes, her friends new baby's and weddings - constant, daily, bittersweet reminders.  And although it's still a surprise everyday that she's gone, these reminders don't just make me sad, sometimes they are funny too, or annoying or frustrating or goofy or sweet - they are just so Jacqui and they always make me proud, so proud and so very grateful to have been her mom.

Someone asked me the other day if I still think of her every day and was surprised when I answered, "Everyday?  At the very least every hour, maybe not every minute, but sometimes it seems like it".   I'm following the instructions she left (via Taylor Swift):

Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams
Wildest dreams
 

Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams
Wildest dreams
  Say you'll remember me

Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset

Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams
Wildest dreams
 Red lips and rosy cheeks

Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams

Say you'll see me again even if it's just pretend 

As if I could ever forget you.....

Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams
Wildest dreams
 



Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams
Wildest dreams
  

29

I've been wondering what to do with this blog and it feels like it's done - when we started it a few years back, it was to inform everyone what was going on as Jacqui was living with cancer. And now that we know the end of her story here with us, it seems like it's time to end, but before I do, I have one more thing to share.

Time is moving on and we're not rushing to go through and organize all of her things, but one thing we have found a lot of, as we sift through, is journals - every where we look there are journals and of every colour, size and shape.

I think she started journalling the day she learned how to write and before that she just drew pictures.  Not that this is surprising to us - we bought her many of these journals and there were many times we found her late at night busily writing down all the very important things that were going on in her life. 

All the exciting, thrilling, devastating, happy, sad, scary, annoying, concerning, delightful, indifferent (not many of those), weary, pleasant, obnoxious, angry, elation, eager, disappointed, peaceful, upset and pleasure filled moments of her life.

And now the question is - do I read them?  Other than a few pages here and there, I have decided that I won't.   I want to believe that our relationship was good and strong and open and that she told me the things I needed to know but still kept some secrets to herself. 

But yesterday, I found a journal that I hadn't seen before and it was from her last days.  When it fell open, I noticed that the script wasn't as neat as usual, things seemed a little bit scattered but she had been writing a lot.  I was sticking to my 'Don't Read" policy, but I noticed that one page had a marker, so I took a look.  Here is what it said:

Today is her 29th birthday (and in a few days it's 3 months that she's been gone) and I think that her life was lived very well and that she will be remembered for not only the things she's written above, but also for the thousands of little memories she shared with so many.

Happy Birthday Jacqui, I can't wait till we can spend it together again. I'll love you forever!

Love,

Marmie  xo

6 Weeks...

Today is 6 weeks since the service for Jacqui....

Yesterday it was seven weeks since she left us....

So many things have happened since then that she would had so much to say about:

Big Brother has started, this season's disastrous Batchelorette, more George and baby Charlotte pix, Michael Buble expecting his second child, we saw Jurassic Park World without her, concerts both large and local have come and gone without their biggest fan.

Birthdays of family and friends, Father's Day (although she had gifts stashed away that we found or received in the mail),  wedding showers, baby showers, special visitors from England and El Salvador, gatherings of family and friends for Canada day, Stampede breakfasts and parties, sunny afternoons/evenings on patios and nacho night...now Tyler has to make the guacamole - he's doing pretty good - she taught him well.

And for me, Facebook and Instagram are just not the same without her - for those of you that follow me on Instagram (carolsunshine) you know that I have started posting pictures of her every week on Thursday for "Throw back Thursday" - #tbtjdubs #missingjdubs - I just can't help myself - I just miss seeing her face on there so much. So to those that follow me, thanks for the indulgence.

I've gone back to work part time, to a place I really love - so that helps.   Peter and Tyler went back a while ago.  Life is moving forward, life is moving on...or so it seems.

Everyday, a hundred times a day, I wait for a text or a call from her and then remember.

Everyday, I turn around to tell her something and then remember.

Everyday, when I'm home, I wait for the door to burst open and for her to rush in and tell me something new.

Tears are always close to the surface and constant reminders bring them closer, but I'm getting really good at hiding my shock when they come and gulping back my feelings.  Not always, but I can look pretty well adjusted, I can laugh and enjoy myself.  I try not to feel bad when I use her things - like her car - it's like I'm admitting she's not coming back. Don't get me wrong, I am not swallowing my feelings, I just try to keep them for a more appropriate time.

Having said that, when others cry or show sadness when they're with me or remember her in many different ways, it actually makes me feel a little better.  It reminds me that she was loved, and in turn, we are too.

People ask "How are you doing?" and the truest answer is "Fine, considering..."

As I've said before it's like living with chronic pain, or more fitting, an amputation.  I'm fine, I'm functioning, but just trying to learn to live with one of my parts missing - constantly adjusting, never completely comfortable.

Jacqui did it so well, I can only hope to follow her example.

I have heard from several people that were unable to be there that they would like to see the video of the service and this seemed the best place to post it for easy access. Thanks to the efforts of Justin and Kyle, it is posted below.  Please note because of copyrights there is no sound for the picture videos, but they were both posted a few weeks back in this blog if you would like to get the full version. 

 http://youtu.be/ghzaaqEQ8GU

#100daysofhappy

Jacqueline's #100DaysOfHappy

In the face of bad news, Jacqui decided to post 100 days of photos
of things that she was grateful for. 

This video was lovingly created by her close friend Michael Berlando
and played during Jacqui's funeral service on May 29th.

https://vimeo.com/130348558

The video

Last week at the service for Jacqui, those who were there may or may not know that the video at the end froze before it was finished and there was one more section.  Here is a link to the full version:

https://vimeo.com/129452289

Thanks so much to my brother David, for putting this together - she would have loved it!

Also I will probably post a video of the service and also the 100 Days of Happy video sometime in the near future.

Thanks again for caring!

And now it's all over, except for the crying

I'm sitting in my living room by myself and it is silent for the first time in days

In the freezer are the remains of the copious amounts of food that has been prepared and delivered to our home by loving hands

On every other spare surface are bunches of flowers - all sizes and shapes - all beautiful tributes in various stages of decay

In the corner sits a bag with cards and well wishes from so many and a book with names of those who came to pay their respects

There was a service that I think she would have loved and we were overwhelmed that so many wanted to share this with us

A walk to remember to her favorite places

But there is something missing and my heart aches

And now it's all over, except for the crying

Jacquibook

May 23, 2015

The out pouring of love and kindness to us in the past few days has been overwhelming and wonderful - someone said we should change the name of Facebook to Jacquibook.  It will take us a while to go through everything, but please know that each message and email is read and cherished. 

I wanted to let you know about the service we will be having.  The details are all at:

https://mhfh.com/tribute-ajax/print-obituary.html?id=28103

Jacqueline Michelle WARNER

August 19, 1986 – New Westminster, British Columbia May 21, 2015 – Calgary, Alberta Our princess, Jacqueline Michelle Warner left the ball at the stroke of midnight on May 21, 2015. Jacqui was born on August 19, 1986 in New Westminster, BC. In 1996, she moved with her family to Calgary, AB. She attended Langley Fundamental and Prince of Wales Elementary Schools, RT Alderman Junior High, Lord Beaverbrook High School, Capernwray Bible School and Mount Royal University. She received her history degree at the University of Lethbridge in 2012. Jacqui had a motto saying “I don’t like, I love” and she displayed this in all she did – and her passions were many: travel, music, movies, TV, British History, the NY Yankees, her faith, her chosen career, but nothing surpassed her passion for her family and friends. Jacqui lived the last five years of her life with synovial sarcoma, and she filled these years to the brim with all of the things she loved. She leaves behind her loving parents Peter and Carol, her devoted big, little brother, Tyler and her sweet kitten Miss Jany Valentine. She also leaves behind her grandma Nancie Warner and many aunties, uncles and cousins that she adored and was so proud of. Her grandfather Warner, nana and papa Hooge, aunties Gloria and Norma and Buddy will be so excited to see her on the other side. Memorial Services will be held at First Alliance Church (12345 – 40th Street S.E.) on Friday, May 29, 2015 at 2:00 p.m. Forward condolences through www.mcinnisandholloway.com. Donations may be made to her favorite charities through: http://www.youcaring.com/synovial-sarcoma-research-358681 In living memory of Jacqueline Warner, a tree will be planted at Fish Creek Provincial Park by McINNIS & HOLLOWAY FUNERAL HOMES, Fish Creek, 14441 BANNISTER ROAD S.E. Telephone: 403-256-9575.

All are welcome. 

(Obit and messages below added to this book from website, not originally in blog)

Hedy Serger (nee Bergman) 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Hi Carol;

I’ve been thinking about you lately so I thought I’d google you. Came up with your moms obituary which is where I found your married name. I was so very sorry to read your daughters obituary. I can’t imagine your pain but I want you to know that I’m praying for you and your family. My husband Michael and I have three children. Two sons and one daughter, all married with children. Our daughter Erin Siemens is 10 months older than your daughter so my thoughts are very much with you. We live in Steinbach Mb. If you are interested in chatting I’d enjoy that. Love and Prayers, Hedy

Caryna Pinheiro 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

My sincere condolences Peter. My prayers will be with you and your family. In Portuguese we use the word “saudade” to describe the feeling of missing someone. It also signifies that you shared many especial moments worth carrying in your heart for the rest of your life. 

May you find strength in the love you share with your family. 

Blessings,

Caryna Pinheiro

Allis

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Dear Carol, Peter and Tyler, 

I’ve just watched the video of Jacqui and it does not take much to see that she was an incredible young woman – full of love, wisdom, intelligence, and sensitivity.

I am overwhelmed by her beauty and I am sure with a strong soul like Jacqui’s – she will always be with you.

With much love – and my profound condolences.

Allison xoxoxo

Cathy Pritchard 

Monday, June 1, 2015

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Please know that my thoughts are with you. I firmly believe you now have an angel eternally watching over you with love.

Marvin 

Monday, June 1, 2015

Peter, 

My sincere condolences to you and your family. 

Marvin

D

Monday, June 1, 2015

Peter and Family, 

My deepest sympathies to you and your family, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I hope you will find some comfort in your memories of your beautiful daughter.

May God bless and comfort you all during this difficult time.

D

Monday, June 1, 2015

Peter and Family,

My deepest sympathies go out to you and your family. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all and I hope your memories will give you some comfort.

May God bless you and give you strength.

Helga Thordars

Monday, June 1, 2015

Hi Carol and family,

I heard of your loss and you have been in my thoughts….. you have my heartfelt sympathy and condolences my old friend….thinking and praying for you guys,

Your childhoold buddy,

Helga

Paul Prochnau 

Monday, June 1, 2015

Thank you for sharing your family’s journey of heartache at your daughters memorial service. It was very honoring to Jesus, to her, and to your community of friends and family. The next morning I read a devotional by George Matheson out of “Streams in the desert” and it made me think of you.

(May 30th). Your family will be in my prayers in the days to come, especially Tyler.

mark and pam macd

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Carol, Peter and Tyler 

We were very sad to hear of Jacqui’s passing. While we can’t begin to imagine what you have and will continue to go through we do know what a great and strong family the Warners are … we have you in our thoughts and prayers …. Mark Pam and family

Valerie Ekelund (Hamende) 

Friday, May 29, 2015

I attended Prince of Wales Elementary and R.T. Alderman Junior High with Jacqui. We have been out of touch for a long time, but my thoughts and deepest condolences are with her family and friends now. It was a privilege to have known her for the short time that I did. She is an inspiration and has left a lasting impression on so many.

Peter and Nora McAleer 

Friday, May 29, 2015

Dear Carol, Dear Peter, Dear Tyler;

Our deepest sympathy on the loss of Jacqui. May God welcome her unto the Peace she deserves and grant you and the extended family peace-of-mind in celebrating her life and remembering

her always. 

Peter and Nora McAleer, Peter and Kristiane McAleer, Dennis and Jennifer Jeffery

Bob and B

Friday, May 29, 2015

Peter, Carol and Tyler. We are sending Thoughts and Prayers to you as you Celebrate the remarkable Life of your beautiful daughter Jacqui. We Love you and you are in our Hearts. 

Love Bob, Bonnie and Aunty Gwen Thompson xoxo

John Francis 

Friday, May 29, 2015

Peter and Carol,

My deepest sympathies to you and your family over the passing of Jacqueline. I am very saddened to hear of your loss. Peter, you had shared with me this journey so I thank you for that; and as a parent, I can certainly understand your grief right now. Know that my prayers for you are that God’s peace will embrace you, comfort you and give you hope. 

I am so very sorry for your loss.

-John

Tracy and Jack Grainge 

Thursday, May 28, 2015

We are phenomenally sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter/sister. There are no words I can share that would be adequate at this time. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Tracy and Jack Grainge, with love and support from Roger, Bruce and David Lane as well.

Kim Armstr

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Thinking of all of you this friday….my sincere and deepest condolences to all of you. I shall miss seeing her on Fb and reading about her journey.

Lynette & Bill Blayney 

Thursday, May 28, 2015

“What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us.” -Helen Keller 

We can’t begin to imagine what you are feeling, but let us share our heart-felt condolence. We are so very sorry for your loss Carol, Peter and Tyler. 

-The Blayney’s

Kathleen Duff 

Thursday, May 28, 2015

There truly are no words that can comfort the loss you have experienced. I can’t understand or relate to your pain so I will not even try! My thoughts and prayers as they always have been are still with you now and I there is ever anything you need or I can help with please know I am there! She was an incredibly strong woman and a beautiful sole but again you already know that! 

Truly devastated by your loss!

XOXO

Kathleen and Howard

Nicola Pare 

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Jacqui,

You loved fiercely and will be missed fiercely. I remember the very first day I moved in and we became instant friends. We spent the day touring around Lethbridge. You as my tour guide, the wind at our backs, it really could not get any better. To finish off the evening we plopped down on the couch, flicked on the tele and started watching Saturday Night Live. Kristen Wigg came on the screen and was playing an infamous bald with baby hands and a snaggle tooth and you looked over with a cheeky grin and burst out laughing. Proceeding this, these words escaped your lips, ” you look like Kristen Wigg. We immediately went into hysterics. This was when I knew I had found my match and we would be the best of roommates. Three years we had together and that three years will never be forgotten. There was never a dull moment with you. You were the life of the party and always had a story to tell. My memories of you are so fond Jacqui and I am so very honoured I had the opportunity to do life with you. Thanks for joyfully living this life setting an example for so so many. Life is not too short, it is exactly as long as it it supposed to be, a statement that will keep with me forever. I have learned much from you. How to love, how to laugh, how to just be me. I sure hope you are tearing up the dance floor in heaven Midge. What a delight you were and will continue to be.

Cathy Groves 

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

May loving memories ease your loss and bring you comfort. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hilda & Bob Bennett 

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Dear Carol ,Peter & Tyler

Just to let you know you are in our thoughts and

prayers 

Hilda & Bob Bennett

David Morris

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Dear Carol, Peter and Tyler, 

Our love and sympathy to you from the team at the Intensive Palliative Care Unit. 

I thought you might be interested in knowing the impact that Jacquie had here with us. Last week I found her blog entry “Life is Not too Short” on the printer on the unit. One of the nurses had been following Jacquie’s blog after having cared for her while here on the unit. She was so impressed she wanted to share it with others. 

I too was impressed with the wisdom and faith that Jacquie exhibited in that thoughtful reflection. I mentioned it to the team gathered in rounds on the morning of the 22nd of May. One of the doctor’s asked if I might read it aloud for the whole team. We did not know that Jacquie had passed the night before but she was very much on our minds and she spoke to us all very eloquently that morning. 

May God continue to give you all the strength, wisdom and comfort you need at this time. 

Sincerely,

-David

Craig Rieger 

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Please accept the heartfelt condolences from our entire team at Fit Metabolism. We are praying for strength, peace and the presence of the Lord that surpasses understanding for your entire family.

Ingrid & Brian Morris

Monday, May 25, 2015

Dear Carol, Peter and Tyler,

From everything we know about Jacqui through reading blogs and listening to people who knew her, missing her goes without saying but her Love will be with you forever. She has left an indelible impression behind never to be forgotten by anyone, especially her beautiful loving family. Sincerest Condolences ,

Ingrid and Brian Morrison

Barry Matthews 

Monday, May 25, 2015

The women with the great voice was left …. there is a huge whole. Great sympathy to Carol, Peter and Tyler. 

-Barry Matthews

Melissa & Chris Spaetgens 

Monday, May 25, 2015

We would like to express our sincere condolences to you and your family. 

Melissa & Chris Spaetgens

Pauline and Benoit 

Monday, May 25, 2015

Peter and family, please accept our most sincere condolences. Our thoughts are with you in these difficult times. 

Regards,

Ben and Pauline

Uncle Michael Hooge 

Monday, May 25, 2015

Dear Peter and Carol , Offering my condolences on the passing of your daughter Jacqueline. I had the pleasure of meeting her at her grandmother’s memorial. May you experience God’s nearness and His love at this time. Love you Mike

Amanda Myers 

Monday, May 25, 2015

My heart goes out to her family and friends. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time. I have only met Jacqui on a handful of occasions and during these brief moments I can understand how big an impact she had on the world in such a short span of time. Her memory will live on in those she has blessed with her time here.

AJ 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss. Know that God is aware of the tears you are shedding. (Psalm 56:18) He will soon do what is said at Acts 24:15, which promises us of a resurrection of our loved ones. May that bring you hope. Take comfort in your good memories and allow your family and loving friends to help you through this difficult time.

Linda Hartwig 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Jacqui’s strength and positive attitude was certainly part of who she was but please know that her core came from you, her family. For her to know she had this amazing support throughout her ordeal reinforced that she wasn’t on this part of her journey alone. There can be nothing harder than what you’ve been through and take peace in knowing she’s now safe and out of pain.

Much love, your Smith cousins, Graham, Linda and Gordon.

Jacob MacLean 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

My heartfelt condolences for your loss. Jacqui was a mutual friend to my wife & I. We had the privilege of meeting & getting to know Jacqui where we used to work for many years. In the time we knew her, she proved a constant reminder of truly living life to the fullest. She appreciated things in a perspective not many see; she challenged the norm & brought a smile to our hearts with her positivity, smile & laughter. We love and miss you always.

Susan Cranst

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Dear Carol, Peter and Tyler.

There really aren’t any words that convey the sadness that I feel for yourselves and Jacqui. Reading about her journey described what an amazing young woman she is. Her outlook on life was truly inspiring. She has left her family and friends with a lot of great memories to cherish forever. The only comfort is that she is no longer suffering and is at peace.

Take Care of yourselves

Love Susan

Barbara Williams 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Dear Carol, Peter and Tyler,

We are very sorry for your loss. May every cherished memory of Jacqui comfort you in the days ahead. She was truly a special young lady and although we did not know Jacqui well, following her blog was such an insight to how selfless and full of love she was. The strength you all shared on this journey is an inspiration. Words cannot begin to describe how sad we feel for all of you. Love Barbara and Dan Williams

Bev Gneo 

Saturday, May 23, 2015

My heart breaks for your loss.

Kayla Shartau 

Saturday, May 23, 2015

I went to the UofL with Jacqui. It’s been amazing watching her on this journey. How she made her life beautiful, fun and full of passion.

Though unfairly cut short her life was full. 

My condolences to her family.

Wendy and Jim Amy 

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Dear Carol Peter and Tyler – we would like to express our deepest sympathy in the loss of your shining princess. We will not be in Calgary to attend Jacque’s service but please know that our thoughts will be there with you all. Hold on to the memories. 

Sincerely,

Jim and Wendy

Suzi and Barry Bate 

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Carol and Peter – I’m sure Jacqui had lots to do with your coping throughout these horrid and amazing five years. And she’ll be pleased with her “event” on Friday, no doubt! Please know that your family has impacted so many others including ours. Jacqui is in every rainbow you’ll see and all the beauty that surrounds you, whether it be a Lilac tree or the clear running stream nearby. You’ll never lose sight of her, but that doesn’t mean you can’t live on. Allow for the grief and the change. Our thoughts and love are with you all.

Kim Armstr

Saturday, May 23, 2015

My sincere condolence to the Warner family. Hugs. She was an angel and will be missed!