Fear cannot be without hope, Nor hope without fear

I am slowly going crazy

One, two, three, four, five, six, switch!
Crazy going slowly am I
six, five, four, three, two, one, switch!

Just when things are calming down, all hell breaks loose.

So Jacqui wrote the blog just a few short days ago, on Monday morning, and she was pretty much feeling back to normal after a tough round. 

And then it was Monday night...before she went to bed she said the inside of her left arm, just above her elbow, was hurting and we took a look and it was swollen and reddish.  We thought maybe she had pulled a muscle or bumped it or something and decided to see how it looked in the morning. 

In the morning it was not looking any better, and was very tender so I gave her a few Tylenol and a bag of ice and said if it didn't get any better she should ask them about it when she went for her CT scan later that morning.  So it didn't get any better - and they took a look at her arm and sent her straight to the ER.  It turned out to be a Thrombosis (blood clot) - one in her arm and then another one in her neck.  Thankfully she didn't have to remain in the hospital, but now has to give herself injections everyday to thin her blood and help to dissolve the clot.  She had pain medication that was easing the pain somewhat, but it was still quite swollen.

Friday morning she woke up with her whole forearm swollen and of course when she called the doctor's office they said she should go back to emergency to get it checked out.  So back to the hospital she went - more time to sit around and wait.  The only good thing here is that when you are receiving chemo you not only have a cancer card (literally) but you have a "Go to the front of the line" letter so that if you do end up in ER, you get in and seen quite quickly - yay cancer perks - is that a thing? - well I guess it is because when she arrived there was a 3 hour wait!  Anyways, she was only in there about an hour and they said it looked like normal complications of the clot and gave her another prescription.

Anyways, all these ups and downs and twists and turns have us all feeling like we're walking on egg shells, it's hard not knowing it's going to be okay even one 1 half day to the next - changes can happen so fast.  And even if a day goes well, you don't know what's around the corner and these days it seems like the surprises are often not good ones.

Hope - it's good to have hope, but the problem with hope is that the opposite is disappointment and when hope keeps turning to disappointment, you start to feel numb - to everything - nothing is as fun, happy, sad, good, bad or whatever, it's all kind of indifferent - and that's a weird place to be.

I tend to live my life feeling emotions fully and when I don't, I just don't recognize myself sometimes.

Fear cannot be without hope
Nor hope without fear    
Baruch Spinoza

3 down

Hello Everyone, 

It has been awhile since we updated you on what is happening.

I have officially finished 3 rounds of Chemotherapy.

This could possibly be the half way mark.

Tomorrow morning I am going in for a CT scan. This CT will show if there have been any changes to the tumours I will have the results of the CT scan on April 28.

These results will determine if chemo has been effective. I will either be continuing with 3 more rounds of chemo or considering radiation treatment or surgery.

I am not sure which of these I would prefer, they are all horrible in of themselves  

So that is all that we know. When we know anything more we will let you know! ;)

The third round of chemo was difficult. I was in the hospital from Wednesday to Saturday. I gained 10 pounds of water weight overnight which was horribly uncomfortable and a symptom of the chemotherapy. Thankfully I lost it all in a couple days but it was frustrating. My leg wouldn’t fit and had to use crutches or be in a wheelchair to get around.

The bright spot was that my mom’s sister, Grace came to be with us! She visited from Tuesday to the following Monday. She came to the hospital during the day to be with me when Tyler, Mom, and Dad were all at work. It was nice to spend so much time with her, we watched chick-flicks and made rainbow loom bracelets! 

Easter Sunday was a really enjoyable day! My mom and I went and saw Mamma Mia! We had seats in Row 6 and enjoyed every minute of the performance! If you have seen Mamma Mia you know what makes it so much fun! Mom and I love going to theatre and have been so fortunate to see many of the classics! This was such a lovely way to spend the afternoon! We are making plans to see The Book of Mormon next year when it comes to Calgary!

We spent the evening with The Hooges eating amazing food and being so ridiculously silly and laughing way too hard…so a typical get together!

Thank you again for your continued support. We will write again soon to let you know of any further developments!

Jacqueline!

Better, Blonder, Balder, Bump, Bastille

Better, Blonder, Balder, Bump, Bastille.

Let me explain...

Better:

This second round was so much BETTER!!  After the issues Jacqui had last round with nausea, weakness, hallucinations, blurry vision and then the high fever that put her back in the hospital, her Doctor decided to change the way they were administering the Ifosfomide.  They still gave her 3 doses, but instead of full strength, over 3 days, in 6 hour stints, they gave her 75% of the former dose, over 3 days, in 21 hour stints.  The drawback was being an inpatient instead of being able to go home each night.  But what a difference for her. No trips back and forth each day, one IV, rather than a new one each day and wonderful care while she was in - she could even have visitors which really helped pass the time.

Blonder:

Unfortunately one of the side effects of this type of chemo is hair loss.  Her hair started it's departure two weeks after the initial round.  As it was coming out in clumps, J decided to just go in and get her head shaved and be done with it.  Her good friend told her that his mom's friend had a wig salon and they arranged for us to go and see her.  So Jacqui, the friend, the mom and I found ourselves in a little room in the salon (he even brought wine to make it more festive!) with a cute little lady who really seemed to know her stuff.  Although at first we weren't sure  - the first wig she brought in was a chin length, light blonde wig - a huge change from the long, wavy, brown she'd been growing out for the last 3 years.   But when she tried it on, all of us loved it - it was such a surprise and after trying on a few others, she decided to stick with the first and now she's loving the blonde. 

 

Balder:

 

I work for a great company called Stepper Custom Homes and the people there have been a wonderful support for us during this entire roller coaster over the past few years.  As a show of support for both Jacqui and another beautiful woman battling cancer in our company, they decided to have a head shave (and in one case a very long beard shave) to show their care and solidarity in this for the two.   The buildup to the day was fun, on Wednesday there were about 5 guys committed to shaving their head's and then the challenges started.  At the end of the day on Friday, there were 16 brave men that bared their head's to the cold weather and one chin that hadn't seen the light of day in many years.  Money was raised to help with expenses for the two, but more than that was the love that was expressed in this outpouring - both awesome and humbling - that people would take the time and put the effort to show they care in such a tangible way.  Peter and Tyler were among the shaver's, so I am currently the only one in my family with hair, I suggested that I get blonde wigs for them also, but my offer was turned down and/or ignored - rude!

 

Bump:

 

Jacqui, after the initial week had been feeling so good!  And then, this past Wednesday, I had to be out of town overnight for a conference and that evening Peter called to say that he'd had to take her in to the hospital because she was feeling very weak and dizzy and had a bad headache.  There was no fever, but he was concerned because these were possible side effects of the chemo and when he called they had advised that she go in to be looked at.  They checked all her vitals, kept her in for a while and she started to improve as the hours went by.  Finally they decided she was well enough to go home again - we were relieved she didn't have to stay in .  At home as we talked about what might have caused this, she told us that as it had been such a nice day (finally) she had taken some time to go for just a little run (yes run!!!) and it had just felt so good.  That and a late night at the "Kings of Leon" concert the night before proved to be a bit much - as would be for a lot of people - let alone someone undergoing CHEMOTHERAPY!!!!  Haha, can't keep a good girl down, but we're only laughing because it turned out well - we'll have to keep a sharper eye on her. 

 

Bastille:

 

Speaking of concerts, this last week was full of concerts for Jacqui, she had planned to go to two, then went to see the Kings of Leon at the last minute also.  She missed one because of the incident above and the final one was Bastille on Friday night.  The day before, her friend told her she had a surprise for her - she'd arranged for her to sit in on an interview a radio station (92.9X) was doing with Bastille on Friday afternoon.  So fun, the two of them were able to meet the band, get some pix and then sit in the studio for their interview and live performance of one of their songs. 

 

In telling these stories of kindness to Jacqui, let me say these are just a few of the many ways people have reached out and shown love and support - it continues to awe and inspire us.  Thank you!

 

All in all this second round, round "B" has been so much better, what a relief.  Tuesday is the start of the next round and it looks like they will admit her again so we're hoping she manages as well.  My sister is coming to help and hang out so we're excited about that!

I read this the other day - someone's mom had told her this:

It's a marathon.....

When you get tired and feel worn out, DON'T STOP. RUN ANYWAY.

When you feel drained and parched and starved and desperately far from the finish line, DON'T STOP. RUN ANYWAY.

When you feel sick and close to dying, and feel like thousands of people are easily passing you by while you're there giving your best and not moving an inch, DON'T STOP. RUN ANYWAY.

You may not win the WHOLE race, but you will win YOUR race, meet your goals, and accomplish something spectacular.

 

 

Jacqui if you're reading this - no running for you - yet....