Here we go....

                        “Honest cries from a breaking heart are better than a hallelujah sometimes”

So this whole blogging thing is new to me, but I need a way to share with whoever wants to know what is going on and how we’re doing without putting it all over facebook or sending out endless group emails.  This way you can check up if and when you want to and it gives me a place to say it all one time, and you’re not receiving endless emails from me. 

I want to say first of all that this will be my blog – although some of the things I say and thoughts I have will reflect what Jacqui, Peter and Tyler feel, I can’t speak for them and going through this journey – again – is so personal and different for each of us. 

To just give a quick explanation of what the current situation is, these are the things we know:  Three nodules were discovered on Jacqui’s left lung.  They are cancerous, not lung cancer, but Synovial Sarcoma, that has metastasized to her lung.  They are 99% certain that the nodules are cancerous, so won’t do a biopsy before removing them, because it’s essentially the same thing.  The doctors assure us this is treatable and that she has lots of positive indications for this – she is young, has no other symptoms and it’s taken over 2 years for the nodules to appear (the longer the time from her original surgery, the better). 

The current thought is that she will have to have surgery to remove the nodules which will involve anything from removing the individual nodules to removing the whole lung.  This will be decided when the Thoracic surgeon looks at the PET she had on Oct 25.  When this is determined, they will set a surgery date and when the surgery is done and they know more of what they are dealing with, they will decided on whether or not to do chemo. 

So we don’t know much other than it’s baaaaa-aaaaaack!!

How am I?  (remember I can’t speak for the rest of my family) – well frankly this is my worst fear – the call I never wanted to get and I am heartbroken, disappointed, terrified, horrified and overall so sad that Jacqui has to go through this again. 

This is not what I want to be doing with my daughter, I don’t want to be “that family” but it is what we have to do and so I truly and sincerely want to make this experience as meaningful as I can.  I don’t want to sound like a Pollyanna about this, but I talk to a lot of people who go through seemingly exciting events - complaining the whole way, so it’s all what you do with it. 

The other day a friend had this on his facebook page:  You really have no control over 10% of what happens in your life, The other 90% is determined by your reaction……………    I like that sentiment (not really sure about the percentages though)  I want to experience every moment, appreciate what is going on, appreciate the love and kindness that is showered on us from family, friends and strangers while not ignoring the darker feelings I may feel or the feelings of Jacqui, Peter and Tyler.  I DON’T want to waste my time being bitter or depressed.   

I am a person of faith and I am thankful for that hope that I have, but honestly, sometimes it is hard to be hopeful and I spend a lot of time ranting and raving.  But I heard these words in a song:

“Honest cries from a breaking heart are better than a hallelujah sometimes”