She is easily gaining minutes in her walking regimen and has had a few outings – movies, church, a pedicure (yes she gets ½ priceJ) and that kind of thing.
She had her stitches out last Monday and the incisions look really good and are well placed for minimum visibility. Her pain is manageable and decreasing slowly and we are working on her decreasing her more potent medications as we go along. She wants to get off them so she can get back to driving and freedom!!!
We got notice of an appointment the other day from the Alberta Cancer Board and she is meeting with the chemo doctor on Feb 4. This was a little upsetting as we were pretty sure there would be no more chemo, so we’re hoping it is just a check up and consultation and not a recommendation for more. We have to do whatever we can to get rid of this, but the thought of more chemo is really disheartening. So we’ll wait – again – to see what the appointment brings.
Surprises like that that make it hard, you just get going along and are brought right back down, I feel a bit like Golum (in the Hobbit). He stays low to the ground, hands often up around his head in a defensive way, flinching at any move made towards him. That’s me, I’m scared, I cringe because I’m afraid of what comes next, of receiving another blow.
I feel like I just want to take a deep breath, stand up straight, and get on with my life, but if bad news comes, I’m going to get flattened. Like I was this past fall. Maybe if I’m prepared, if something bad comes it won’t hurt so much, but is that even true? Will I be able to take what comes better if I live my life prepared for the worst?
I don’t want that – I want to live, I want to run and dance and have fun with arms wide open, I want to be Maria from Sound of Music, not Golum.
And then I sit and talk with
Jacqui
and she tells me things
her plans
her dreams for the future
come what may
she has hope
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