A few months ago, our minister, John, asked if we'd be willing to talk on a Sunday morning about the ups and downs of our faith during Jacqui's journey over the past 3 years. We thought about it and decided we would. It happened this past Sunday morning - a little scary, a lot weird, extreme vulnerability, a bit like sitting there naked (aren't you supposed to imagine the audience in their underwear? - I got that so, so mixed up!!!). Anyways, if you're interested in hearing about struggles in faith and belief, here is the link:
http://www.canyoncreek.ca/sermons/20130609%20-%20When%20Faith%20Collides%20with%20Suffering.mp3
Thanks again for caring.
Oh my goodness I am sitting here at my kitchen bench thousands of miles away and connecting with every word you all said. EVERY! just to make sure you understand that. You all spoke so clearly and eloquently..more people should hear this. Can I post it on my blog? It is very powerful. I cried and cried with you all.There was so much to respond Carol that I may use up my comment quota.I wrote a huge amount in response to it. I too think in pictures and have felt and heard and seen Gods presence strongly and with a bit of wow factor. For the past three years ...like you nothing. I was aware that God must be there because I I didn't feel empty and if I reached out to sense him there wasn't an absence but I didn't feel a strong presence. I put the footsteps in the sand poster up and figured it was made for a reason and it was a time like this. I understand the sense of hibernation. I got exhausted in the end of trying to be positive and celebrate God. I reminded myself that God loves me as I am and just as I am. It made it a little easier. I liked the picture of the Knots..they reminded me of a something sturdy and strong..marking spaces..tree knots and celtic knots , infinity ones. I read the books you read..eat love and pray a few years back (loved it) what good is God while in the hospice..and read some chapters to Gary. I like the charlie chaplin song, God speaks to us in so many ways..so good you can hear him. The pie chart..I like how it was described..holding a scared place for your grief..a way of sitting with it and giving it a place ..honoring it and also allowing rest in other parts of the day for yourself. Child like faith is the only way to be as it goes beyond our understanding. God feels back in my life now, quietly and through signs in nature, scripture, the kindness and words of others..no fireworks show but slowly and determinedly.The hardest thing for me to do is trust..I believe yet I struggle with trust..not sure how those two sit. I expected for my Gary because I love so much and my grief is big that at least Gabriel would show up to offer words of condolences. I honestly felt I needed something that big. And I believed it might because I deserved it..but no..there have been other feathered friends in my garden singing to me. You may still be in shock a little after sharing in public but I just want to thank you all for sharing so honestly it means the world to me to hear others sounding like me. People keep saying to me that Im amazing, When I hear that word now I just about want to cut it out from our language. People are so so kind I am beginning to appreciate it now . I got exhausted by it at times(crazy right?) I understand how hard it is to accept help.....I just understand..I feel so privileged to have heard you all speak. xKAT
ReplyDeletep.s I thought your minister spoke really well. It was well said!
ReplyDeleteKat, thank you so much for your words...they mean so much - especially coming from where you are. Of course you can share them, I'm flattered that you would want to - it just feels so weird to have people care about the ramblings of my (our) heart(s). I am so glad our words spoke to you, Peter has read your note and I'll get Jacqui to as well. What you said about trust is so perfect - I forgot about that one - I recently said to someone that I believe in God, but I don't know if I trust Him, which is kind of weird - it's hard to explain to someone, so it's so good when someone just understands! The "amazing" thing - haha, I know what you mean. I'd like a list of options...
ReplyDeleteI also feel privileged to have heard you speak - I have been listening and watching the service for Gary and it's so nice to hear your voice and it's just as it should be! I loved the way "How great thou Art" was sung - so lovely and contemplative and unrushed. 10,000 Reasons is the song I wake up to every morning - I think I used the verse about "let me be singing when the evening comes" in one of my very first blogs, I made a collage that was inspired by it last summer before the "sequel" to Jacqui's cancer - those words brought me through so much - and "Do Lord" - one of my favorites - music speaks so much to me and so I found it interesting that the songs you used meant so much to me. Gary sounds like so much fun, a rascal, I can't wait to meet him one day.
A few other observations about your recent blogs:
- I think it's great that you were drinking bourbon - sometimes nothing else will help, but I like you, find it never really does the trick, but it tastes good for awhile
- I loved it when you said the birds sang to you "Yes to you" - that's perfect, we have little birds living in our birdhouse that I insist are great friends of mine and we visit.
Anyways, I'm so happy to have a "blog pal" and you continue to inspire (is that kind of like amaze) me every time I read your blogs and see your art.
Thanks friend! xo
Yes our minister is wonderful. So are your children, all of you were so composed and I think Gary would have been so proud.
ReplyDelete:-).
ReplyDeleteI will do a link form my blog to yours. thank you for that. My Sister in law (Garys big sis) does the music and often worship at our church it is a small congregation but good. Her and her husband Tim were leading the service for Gary. Sue was on stage doing the Music and she spoke at one point. I told her about her blog tonight and am sending her the link. xx
It is remarkable how people connect in different ways isn't it? Thousand reasons is such a good one!