I want to go to Disneyland

The appointment at the Tom Baker Cancer Center was yesterday - Jacqui had an Xray followed by consultation with 3 doctors and a resident - a bit of a three ring circus at times - at one point, it was Jacqui, Peter, I, 2 Drs. and a resident in the very small consulting room at once!  It was overwhelming to say the least.

 

Especially since the news was not good - the two little suspicious spots seen in the CT scan 6 months ago on the left lung are no longer just suspicious - they have grown (one from 4mm to 1 cm and the other from 4mm to 6mm) and they have to be removed. Yes, they are cancer, metastasized from the original - very typical for synovial sarcoma. 

Again, our hearts broke

 as Jacqui sat quietly with tears

rolling down her cheeks

 while being told the news. 

 

Then she proceeded to tell them that she was going to El Salvador to build houses in January - they would have to work around that, then she looked at us and said "I want to go to Disneyland".

So we keep marching on....

One bit of good news was that other than the two, there weren't any other shadows on the left lung and the right lung is clear.  That is a big deal.  Although there was a bit of confusion as the tech had read the scan wrong and said there was a spot on each lung.  Our favorite Dr. Pulaski quickly went to check and came back to say the right did look clear - there had been a mistake. 

 

Thankfully we didn't have to wait long to get an appointment with the Thoracic surgeon - same one as last time - his office called today and she is going for a consultation on Friday.

 

So in answer to all other questions - my answer is "I don't know" and I will alternate that with "We have to wait".

We process this - in our family - in 4 very different ways, it's hard to mourn this loss of hope (not totally, but the hope that this time it would be okay), try not to worry about what's coming (we've been through this and know what to expect) and comfort each other at the same time - collectively we feel bored with this disease and it's demands and exhausted from keeping it together.

 

Thanks to all who have been reaching out, supporting us with your thoughts and prayers and in so many other ways.  One of the hardest parts is that everyone is so supportive and we feel like we are  disappointing everyone once again.  This is not meant to be a plea for sympathy or self serving, it's just so touching to see how many care so deeply - it's humbling. 

 

So bad news....

but then someone reminded me about the Farmer from my last blog...

Maybe...