So people having been asking - How’s Jacqui?

So people having been asking - How’s Jacqui?  How is she feeling?  What’s next? – so I guess it’s time for a little update.   

Summer flew by, starting with the flood and then Jacqui moving out at the beginning of July.  Tyler got busier in his job and is rarely home, and we’re almost feeling like empty nesters again – he’s looking forward to making us real empty nesters again! 

It was summer - road trips and plane trips, lazy, long dinners on the deck, tomatoes from our garden, weddings, bare feet, being warm  

Now it’s fall – long sleeves, routine, falling leaves, jackets, dark mornings and evenings, chilly air and appointments.... 

So to answer the questions:   Jacqui is doing well - living in her new place, enjoying work, going to music festivals, hanging with friends, making plans to go to El Salvador to build houses in January.  She looks healthy and is feeling really good...

What’s next? 

On Monday she went for blood tests

October 14^th –  CT scan -  yes thanksgiving day 

October 21^st - Tom Baker Clinic for a checkup and meet with her oncologists to find out the results of the scan

October 28 – another follow up visit 

I’ve hesitated even talking about this and now even typing it puts a lump in my throat and I am back to reminding myself to breathe.  I don’t want to seem fatalistic or pessimistic, but no matter how positive we may seem - it’s scary.   

I have to think back to that blog I wrote awhile ago about turning around into the darkness (the unknown) and just taking tiny steps to see what it holds.  "So much has been based on what I can see within the light, maybe I need to use other senses and accept the darkness (the unknown) and the beauty that is hidden within it."

So I can go into this two ways: 

Walk in slowly, shoulders hunched in protection, my arms folded around me, breathing shallowly and my eyes squinty in case something looms up that I don’t want to see.  
 

Walk in confidently with my arms open, a smile on my face – expecting the very best – positive thoughts, making plans, future hope - savoring every moment...come what may.

I'm doing a bit of both - trying for more of the second.

So if you are so inclined, we would appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

 

It’s like walking in the sunshine on ice that’s very thin

As I walk around in my house, I see boxes, bins or drawers filled with things...

• Christmas decorations
• My stampede “wardrobe” – yes – after 17 years, it’s become a wardrobe – not big, but ....
• Tea towels for different seasons – fall, Easter, Valentine’s Day, etc
• Winter coats & boots & skates
• Summer clothes
• Canning Jars
• Suitcases
• Tax documents for the last 7 years

Lots of things that I don’t use all the time, just take them out when I want or need them – just because they are put away doesn’t mean I don’t have these things, it just means that I have them

safely tucked away so that I have easy access for when the time comes

I also have parts of myself tucked away...

As people have been reading my blog, they are sometimes surprised at the way I express myself, they say I always seem together and happy, just taking everything so well and this just shows another side of me. 

I started to wonder if I’m being 2-faced, dishonest or schizophrenic

But I know I’m not, it’s simply this, I don’t want to act sad, disappointed, disillusioned, weighed down - I am a happy person, I want to enjoy life, to live each day, not waste time curled up in a ball being sad

Although I have a big “sadness” in my life, a big burden to carry around right now, it can’t consume me

So I put it in a box, an old cardboard box – with the flaps folded over to close it – with a hole in the middle where the flaps don’t meet, the hole where the things stuffed in there threaten to pop out.  And I put that box away in my mind –

safely tucked away so that I have easy access for when the time comes

that I need to take the time to feel those feelings 

So I’m not double-minded or shallow or in denial, not everything needs to be out all the time – I don’t have my Christmas tree up in March, I don’t wear my bathing suit in the snow (usually) and I only wear stampede clothes for 10 days in July – so when you see me happy, I’m happy, but never doubt that -

It’s like walking in the sunshine

on ice that’s very thin

 barely able to hold me above the

dark

icy

water

of my sadness

 

To everything there is a season - A time to cry and a time to laugh

A time to grieve and a time to dance

 



 

 

Experiences can be completely different, but sometimes there is understanding

Standing on the Ridge in Parkland looking down at the flooded Bow River.

 

It’s been just over a week since the flood.

 

Thursday, June 20th we went to bed knowing that things were bad, but when we started the day on Friday morning, we woke up to the reality of something that would be devastating, life changing, involve great loss, an event of vast proportions.  We even had a friend in our basement that had been evacuated from his home in the middle of the night

 

Three years ago on June 20, 2010, we went to bed knowing that things were bad, but when we started the day that next morning, we woke up to the reality of something that would be devastating, life changing, involve great loss, an event of vast proportions (to us).  It was the day of Jacqui’s 1^st surgery – when she had her foot amputated, the cancer taken away – the first time.

 

All this week while we’ve been in our house that’s “high and dry”, free from all the hardship that so many are going through – I’ve been feeling so removed and untouched  and a little detached.  It’s just been too much to take in – in our area, it was easy to forget it had happened and it wasn’t until I drove to look at the places that had been flooded, had seen the devastation, the loss, the piles of garbage piled by the roads after being dragged from flooded basements,   the muck and mire – that it made it real.   

 

I feel that in my dry world, though physically I don’t get it, maybe mentally I did just a little bit. 

 

I understand what it feels like to:

 

- wake up in the morning after and have those first few seconds of normal - until I remember
- have a feeling of hopelessness and despair
- have the days and weeks of recovery seem endless
- experience real loss
- realize that everything may not be okay for a very long time or ever
- be confused while filling out endless, mind boggling insurance forms - worried about how it's all going to work out
- have to make decisions when you can hardly remember your name  

- I know how it feels to wake up in the morning, to hope to see the sun and to find that even though the sun’s up, it still feels very, very dark

 

Experiences can be completely different, but sometimes there is understanding

A few months ago, our minister, John, asked if we'd be willing to talk on a Sunday morning about the ups and downs of our faith during Jacqui's journey over the past 3 years.  We thought about it and decided we would.  It happened this past Sunday morning - a little scary, a lot weird, extreme vulnerability, a bit like sitting there naked (aren't you supposed to imagine the audience in their underwear? - I got that so, so mixed up!!!).  Anyways, if you're interested in hearing about struggles in faith and belief, here is the link:

http://www.canyoncreek.ca/sermons/20130609%20-%20When%20Faith%20Collides%20with%20Suffering.mp3

Thanks again for caring.

Why...

Time flies when you’re having fun....

 

why is that 

why doesn’t it slow down when you’re having fun so you can wring the joy out of every moment

why doesn’t it speed up when times are hard so you don’t have to feel the pain for so long 

why is the winter long 

why is the summer short 

why, when after Jacqui’s surgery in January, did the thought of her having to wait 6 – 8 weeks to heal and go back work seemed like a lifetime

why now, with having no appointments to worry about until October, does it seems like the time is flying by 
why is that 

Time does what it wants – it has nothing to do with me, I can’t hurry it along, I can’t slow it down, I can’t borrow more, I can’t give it away

So I commend the enjoyment of life,

 because there is nothing better for a person under the sun

 than to eat and drink and be glad.

Then joy will accompany them in their toil

 all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.

                                                                                -King Solomon

Worst Day/Best Day

May 12^th – Worst Day/Best Day

It’s so interesting how a day can be so meaningful in so many ways.  I am a numbers person – I love math, I always love the way numbers fit together and seem to have significance, when I can’t sleep at night I count backwards from 1000 by 7 and that puts me to sleep and my favorite number has been 4 since I turned 4 – it’s just my thing.  I guess that partly explains why I pay attention to significant dates – birthdays, anniversaries, my first date with Peter, things like that – in fact sometimes it’s weird what I remember but that’s just how my mind works. 

And May 12^th has become one of those dates.  The “worst” day!  Three years ago today, May 12, 2010, we were told that Jacqui had synovial sarcoma – it was the day that forever changed our lives, ripped the rose coloured glasses right off our faces  and set us on a journey that we never imagined or wanted to take.

The days since then have been by turns horrifying, amazing, boring, exciting, challenging, scary, fun, crazy, sad, happy, tiring everything – kind of normal for a life but there have been some very intense highs and lows, but thankfully a few more “normal” days here and there as well.  It’s interesting to reflect on what has taken place – but the biggest thing that stands out to me is that it’s been 3 years – 3 more years with Jacqui (with many, many more expected and hoped for).  Every day with all those we love is a gift, but as I’ve said before, I feel like my senses are heightened even more because of what’s gone on.

So that brings me to this May 12, same date, but it’s Mother’s Day this time.  Last year we were at Carroll University in Waukesha, WI celebrating Tyler’s university graduation – that’s a good mother’s day gift!  But this year we were back to our usual Mother’s Day celebrating – the Forzani Mother’s Day run – I can’t even remember how many years we’ve done it, but it must be around 10 or so and it’s the second one Jacqui has done since her amputation.  Can you even imagine how proud and humbled I felt running behind her as she ran this race with 17,000 or so people –watching her dart in and out as she passed the slow people in front of her!!!!   At the end - as it happened - there weren’t many people around us so we crossed the finish line all together and as we did, the announcers called our names and said “Here come the Warner’s – watch out for those crazy Warner’s” – That made this a “best” day.

This is also my first mother’s day without my mom – and how I wish I could talk to her today.  When Jacqui was first diagnosed I was so thankful that she was so far into her dementia that she didn’t understand what Jacqui had to go through.  But now I think I would have loved to be able to talk to her about all that she had suffered and gone through when my sister Gloria was ill and then how it was for her to lose her daughter (not that I’m planning on losing Jacqui anytime soon).  When things weren’t going well, one of my mom’s favorite comments was “That’s how it is in this old world” and it used to drive us crazy, it seemed so fatalistic - and she didn’t share a lot of what that meant to her – or maybe she tried to tell us but we just weren’t ready to hear it - I think now I might know what questions to ask to unlock her heart and I’m sorry I missed that. 

So May 12^th is my worst, best, proudest, most nostalgic, run of the mill day of the year – actually kind of like any day of the year can be when you really look at it!

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.

                                                    It’s been awhile, what happened  to April?

An amazing two weeks in Mexico ate most of it up and the getting ready and the getting back to normal has pretty much filled up the rest!

On the Monday we came home, Jacqui was scheduled for a follow up appointment.  The results were … well, it’s a “good news, we’ll wait and see news” story.  The “good” news is that other than her left lung everything was clear.  The “we’ll wait and see” news is that there are spots on her left lung… a few that are clearly a result of the surgery (scar tissue, bruising) and then 2 that they are not quite sure about. 

They may be something to worry about or not but nothing will be done about them until the fall as she is still considered in recovery from her surgery in January, but we’re glad that they do have this baseline to work from. 

So in the mean time

 she’s busy, busy, busy – working, playing, getting ready to move out, meeting new friends,

reconnecting with old ones – just living her life…

So we’ll live, love and laugh right along with her! 

      “Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid."

Frederick Buechner