Experiences can be completely different, but sometimes there is understanding

Standing on the Ridge in Parkland looking down at the flooded Bow River.

 

It’s been just over a week since the flood.

 

Thursday, June 20th we went to bed knowing that things were bad, but when we started the day on Friday morning, we woke up to the reality of something that would be devastating, life changing, involve great loss, an event of vast proportions.  We even had a friend in our basement that had been evacuated from his home in the middle of the night

 

Three years ago on June 20, 2010, we went to bed knowing that things were bad, but when we started the day that next morning, we woke up to the reality of something that would be devastating, life changing, involve great loss, an event of vast proportions (to us).  It was the day of Jacqui’s 1^st surgery – when she had her foot amputated, the cancer taken away – the first time.

 

All this week while we’ve been in our house that’s “high and dry”, free from all the hardship that so many are going through – I’ve been feeling so removed and untouched  and a little detached.  It’s just been too much to take in – in our area, it was easy to forget it had happened and it wasn’t until I drove to look at the places that had been flooded, had seen the devastation, the loss, the piles of garbage piled by the roads after being dragged from flooded basements,   the muck and mire – that it made it real.   

 

I feel that in my dry world, though physically I don’t get it, maybe mentally I did just a little bit. 

 

I understand what it feels like to:

 

- wake up in the morning after and have those first few seconds of normal - until I remember
- have a feeling of hopelessness and despair
- have the days and weeks of recovery seem endless
- experience real loss
- realize that everything may not be okay for a very long time or ever
- be confused while filling out endless, mind boggling insurance forms - worried about how it's all going to work out
- have to make decisions when you can hardly remember your name  

- I know how it feels to wake up in the morning, to hope to see the sun and to find that even though the sun’s up, it still feels very, very dark

 

Experiences can be completely different, but sometimes there is understanding

A few months ago, our minister, John, asked if we'd be willing to talk on a Sunday morning about the ups and downs of our faith during Jacqui's journey over the past 3 years.  We thought about it and decided we would.  It happened this past Sunday morning - a little scary, a lot weird, extreme vulnerability, a bit like sitting there naked (aren't you supposed to imagine the audience in their underwear? - I got that so, so mixed up!!!).  Anyways, if you're interested in hearing about struggles in faith and belief, here is the link:

http://www.canyoncreek.ca/sermons/20130609%20-%20When%20Faith%20Collides%20with%20Suffering.mp3

Thanks again for caring.

Why...

Time flies when you’re having fun....

 

why is that 

why doesn’t it slow down when you’re having fun so you can wring the joy out of every moment

why doesn’t it speed up when times are hard so you don’t have to feel the pain for so long 

why is the winter long 

why is the summer short 

why, when after Jacqui’s surgery in January, did the thought of her having to wait 6 – 8 weeks to heal and go back work seemed like a lifetime

why now, with having no appointments to worry about until October, does it seems like the time is flying by 
why is that 

Time does what it wants – it has nothing to do with me, I can’t hurry it along, I can’t slow it down, I can’t borrow more, I can’t give it away

So I commend the enjoyment of life,

 because there is nothing better for a person under the sun

 than to eat and drink and be glad.

Then joy will accompany them in their toil

 all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.

                                                                                -King Solomon

Worst Day/Best Day

May 12^th – Worst Day/Best Day

It’s so interesting how a day can be so meaningful in so many ways.  I am a numbers person – I love math, I always love the way numbers fit together and seem to have significance, when I can’t sleep at night I count backwards from 1000 by 7 and that puts me to sleep and my favorite number has been 4 since I turned 4 – it’s just my thing.  I guess that partly explains why I pay attention to significant dates – birthdays, anniversaries, my first date with Peter, things like that – in fact sometimes it’s weird what I remember but that’s just how my mind works. 

And May 12^th has become one of those dates.  The “worst” day!  Three years ago today, May 12, 2010, we were told that Jacqui had synovial sarcoma – it was the day that forever changed our lives, ripped the rose coloured glasses right off our faces  and set us on a journey that we never imagined or wanted to take.

The days since then have been by turns horrifying, amazing, boring, exciting, challenging, scary, fun, crazy, sad, happy, tiring everything – kind of normal for a life but there have been some very intense highs and lows, but thankfully a few more “normal” days here and there as well.  It’s interesting to reflect on what has taken place – but the biggest thing that stands out to me is that it’s been 3 years – 3 more years with Jacqui (with many, many more expected and hoped for).  Every day with all those we love is a gift, but as I’ve said before, I feel like my senses are heightened even more because of what’s gone on.

So that brings me to this May 12, same date, but it’s Mother’s Day this time.  Last year we were at Carroll University in Waukesha, WI celebrating Tyler’s university graduation – that’s a good mother’s day gift!  But this year we were back to our usual Mother’s Day celebrating – the Forzani Mother’s Day run – I can’t even remember how many years we’ve done it, but it must be around 10 or so and it’s the second one Jacqui has done since her amputation.  Can you even imagine how proud and humbled I felt running behind her as she ran this race with 17,000 or so people –watching her dart in and out as she passed the slow people in front of her!!!!   At the end - as it happened - there weren’t many people around us so we crossed the finish line all together and as we did, the announcers called our names and said “Here come the Warner’s – watch out for those crazy Warner’s” – That made this a “best” day.

This is also my first mother’s day without my mom – and how I wish I could talk to her today.  When Jacqui was first diagnosed I was so thankful that she was so far into her dementia that she didn’t understand what Jacqui had to go through.  But now I think I would have loved to be able to talk to her about all that she had suffered and gone through when my sister Gloria was ill and then how it was for her to lose her daughter (not that I’m planning on losing Jacqui anytime soon).  When things weren’t going well, one of my mom’s favorite comments was “That’s how it is in this old world” and it used to drive us crazy, it seemed so fatalistic - and she didn’t share a lot of what that meant to her – or maybe she tried to tell us but we just weren’t ready to hear it - I think now I might know what questions to ask to unlock her heart and I’m sorry I missed that. 

So May 12^th is my worst, best, proudest, most nostalgic, run of the mill day of the year – actually kind of like any day of the year can be when you really look at it!

Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.

                                                    It’s been awhile, what happened  to April?

An amazing two weeks in Mexico ate most of it up and the getting ready and the getting back to normal has pretty much filled up the rest!

On the Monday we came home, Jacqui was scheduled for a follow up appointment.  The results were … well, it’s a “good news, we’ll wait and see news” story.  The “good” news is that other than her left lung everything was clear.  The “we’ll wait and see” news is that there are spots on her left lung… a few that are clearly a result of the surgery (scar tissue, bruising) and then 2 that they are not quite sure about. 

They may be something to worry about or not but nothing will be done about them until the fall as she is still considered in recovery from her surgery in January, but we’re glad that they do have this baseline to work from. 

So in the mean time

 she’s busy, busy, busy – working, playing, getting ready to move out, meeting new friends,

reconnecting with old ones – just living her life…

So we’ll live, love and laugh right along with her! 

      “Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid."

Frederick Buechner

I almost feel like myself sometimes.

Jacqui started back  to work on March 18 – all the pieces fell into place and she didn’t have to retrain – so she’s been back at it for almost 2 weeks.  She’s so happy to be there, everyone welcomed her back and she’s quickly getting into the swing of things.  It’s taken a bit of getting used to being on her feet again for long periods, but they are letting her take time in different areas to get her used to everything again. 

Last time I said that her surgeon didn’t want her to have any CT scans in the next while to avoid alarm at what may be “suspicious readings” as a result of her surgery, but her Oncologist wants her to have one done so that he can get a baseline for future consideration.  This caused us a bit of anxiety of course, but they are quite insistent and I guess we can always opt to not hear the results.  Either way, she’s having it on Friday, April 5^th and then goes for her regular oncology appointments on April 22. 

Those dates just come way too fast. 

In the meantime, Peter and I are headed to Mexico.

One week on our own celebrating our 30^th anniversary and then the second week we will celebrate the wedding of our nephew, Ryan to Holly with family and friends – so wonderful.  People keep asking us if we’re getting excited, but I can’t even imagine it – I just keep thinking something is going to happen and we won’t be able to go.  Having said that, I am packed…

I feel like I’m constantly having to work those hope and faith “muscles”, it’s amazing, no matter how fit you try to keep them, they always ache just a little bit.  Shouldn’t it get easier?

Jacqui is continuing with her running and so the four of us are registered for the Mother’s Day Run – 5K - so that’s something to look forward to! It just makes her so happy to be able to run and that’s always my favorite way to spend Mother’s Day.  Last year Ty graduated from university on Mother’s Day, that wasn’t so bad either!

Anyways, just a bit of news, life just keeps marching on,

 and we're hanging on for dear life!

 I almost feel like myself sometimes.

 

 

 

 

Why would you waste even one second of that time worrying or being afraid?

We finally had Jacqui’s appointment with her surgeon, Dr. McFadden and he has given her the go  ahead to go back to work – unrestricted – so that’s really good news.  She is starting to get very bored to say the least and this gives her a light at the end of this tunnel!  But there are still a few more hoops to jump through:

1.  The Dr’s office has to send a letter to the insurance company, they assured her that would be done tomorrow. 
2.  Assuming the letter is all in order, the insurance company will approve this and then they will…
3.  Advise Apple that she is ready to return and then…
4.  Apple has to reinstate her into the schedule, this could mean either putting her directly back in or training her again – they take training very seriously, her initial training was something like 13 days!!! 

So who knows when it will actually happen, but at least the ball is rolling and she is on her way to getting back to work – and back to “normal”

Anyways having this in sight is definitely helpful and we’re coming up with ways of keeping her busy – in fact when she does go back to work, I’ll miss having my little “wife” – she’s been grocery shopping, making dinner, baking – I’m not minding that at all!!!

Jacqui’s next scheduled appointment will be at the Tom Baker (cancer clinic) on April 22, and it will be just a regular checkup.  For the time being she will be going in every 3 months just to keep an eye on things with Xrays and CAT scans.  Dr. McFadden suggested she didn’t have a CAT scan until 9 months after the date of surgery because before that any scarring or healing tissue could show up as “suspicious spots” and it would cause a lot of unnecessary concern.  I feel okay with that, as they will be doing xrays before that and it also gives me a time of easy breathing.  It’s hard to explain, but the concern about it coming back is so scary to me, that the idea that I can breath easy even for a few extra months is really comforting.  I can just tell myself everything is okay until Oct 3 (9 months from surgery). 

I’ve been struggling with that - how can I possibly cope with this horrible monster breathing down my back.  Everytime I forget about what’s going on and daydream about happy things in the future, I feel like I come back to earth with a jolt when I think about what else the future might bring.  I was telling this to someone the other day (a very wise person) and she said something like: 

“At least you know that you don’t know what’s going to happen. 

You may have only 6 months or 6 years till disaster strikes again, or you may have 60 years,

but you know that life is uncertain and that you need to appreciate every day

 everyone knows that, but not everyone really knows that.  

Why would you waste even one second of that time worrying or being afraid?”

And it makes so much sense, but it’s hard - it may be simple but it’s not easy – but a discipline, a muscle that I can work to develop. 

It’s like eating chips - a huge bag of chips from Costco vs an individual sized bag.  The tendency (for me anyways) is to open a bag of Costco chips and chow down - loving the first 5 handfuls, and then the next 6 -20 – not so much (I did that just yesterday).  If you have a small bag, you tend to eat them slower and savour them.  Either way it’s good to learn to savour and enjoy!

In the meantime, speaking of muscles – that little Jacqui has been running – yes running – twice this week!!!  She has loved running for years and even though she was able to do the Mother’s Day Run in 2011, just 11 months after her last surgery, because of problems with a really badly fitting leg for the last year and a half, she has been unable to.  She has gone back to her original Prostheticist, John, now that she’s back in Calgary and he has been working with her to get things right!!!  It’s so wonderful to see her feeling confident that her leg won’t “fall off” – and being able to do what she loves.  So we’re signing up for the Mother’s Day Run again – so exciting. 

I’ll end with a quote that has been meaningful to me lately and goes along with my new “exercise regime”:

(a life of faith) is sometimes like a trapeze act.

You can swing on the bar, exercising and building muscles all you want.

But if you want to excel, you have to let go

with nothing beneath you

and reach out for the next trapeze bar

Paul Tournier 

Won’t be the first time I’ve been called a monkey.