Worn

Round Two:  

Well after a few short (very short) days of feeling pretty good, but tired, Jacqui goes back in for her second round of chemo tomorrow.

We weren't sure if she would be strong enough or that her white blood count would be up enough for her to start again this week, but all seems okay, so here we go again.  It's really hard to start this again, I can see by Jacqui's face that it's just so much - too much.  We don't know how this round will go, but know from past experience that it just gets a little harder each time.  

But there are a few changes this time:

• First of all she is going to be admitted to the hospital, which is good - in that she doesn't have to travel back and forth each day and bad - because she doesn't want to have to stay in the hospital again
• they are going to reduce the dosage a bit because of how hard it was on her body
• they will give it to her more slowly, but continuously over a 24 hr (or so) period - it's usually 3-8 hour days - this is good because she won't have to have the IV re-inserted every morning, which can get really difficult as the weeks go by

She will be in for 2-3 days depending on how she responds to everything and then home to recover again.  It all just makes her feel tired and sad, and yet you wouldn't know it to see her, that spark just always keeps shining so bright! 

There is a song that I heard the other day called "Worn" by 10th Avenue North and it describes very well how we're feeling right now....

I'm Tired I'm worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I'm worn

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I'm worn

I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I'm worn

Yeah I'm worn

It makes it even harder to face - if that's even possible...

As some of you know, Jacqui is back in the hospital.  She started feeling a bit feverish on Friday, but nothing over the magic number of 38 degrees, so we weren't too concerned until Saturday evening when it was finally over 38 and she called the "Chemo Line".  They told her she should go in to an ER to get checked out.  Thankfully when you have chemo, you get a letter that let's you by-pass the line up and you get right in so we didn't have to wait at all.  

When they were getting her checked in her temperature was up to 40, rising that evening to 41 at one point - pretty scary.  After many samples of blood were taken, she was given 4 different antibiotics to fight off whatever was bugging her (literally).  Blood tests came back in about an hour showing that her white blood cells (the ones for immunity and fighting off bugs) were completely depleted.  Not so surprising after having chemo, but she'd had an injection to prevent this - I guess it just wasn't enough. 

They fought the fever all night and it took till Sunday evening before it came down to a more normal spot, but then went up again a little bit. 

She spent the night and most of Sunday in the ER, but in the brand new South Hospital it was a very nice private room so we weren't too concerned.  Sunday evening she was moved to a regular huge private room and is currently very comfortable there. 

After the little spike last night, her temperature has been pretty normal and she's feeling quite good.  The doctor today said she has to go about 48 hours without a fever.  The blood tests haven't been conclusive about what has caused the fever, but they aren't too concerned as long as it doesn't come back and her white blood count improves - which it has - to .6, they would like to see it at 1 (around 2 is normal). 

So she will likely be in a least another day or two - which is very discouraging for her.  She had lots of plans this week on what would have normally been her good week, so it's pretty disappointing (and scary and stupid too). She is accepting visitors - gowned, gloved and masked visitors  -  she has to be protected from any germs.  

It's also hard knowing we have more rounds to look forward to and wondering how she will react to them - it makes it even harder to face - if that's even possible...

It’s okay to fall apart for a little while

Hello Family and Friends

My Mom asked if I would be willing to write about how round one went. We have been able to speak or text with many of you but I know lots of you are curious.

 
This round was hard.

Day one was fine. Dad and I went and watched Legally Blonde (our favourite movie) and things were pretty good. I didn't feel too sick or anything that wasn't manageable.

Day two my mom took me and our good friend Cathy joined us. Things became more difficult this day. I started to have lucid dreams. I thought doctors were talking to me and I would turn to get my mom’s opinion and realize my eyes were closed and I'd open them and there wouldn't be anyone other than Mom and Cathy!

Day 3 was awful. My sweet brother Tyler and cousin Alyssa took me for this treatment. I have hardly any memories from this day! I apparently told Alyssa my new socks were from lulu lemon on more than 3 occasions! I talked with my Doctor, but only remembered having done the following day. I remember being in the car on the way home and starting to talk back to the radio and then stopping myself realizing that I was not talking to a human! I don't remember coming into the house or going to bed!

Saturday was fine though! I was loopy on drugs but I had an appetite and was chatty. The Hooge’s and one of my good friends came over that night and we watched You Tube videos and had a fun night. Then around 9, I basically decided everyone should leave because I was tired!

Sunday and Monday were very bad. I couldn't keep anything down and was constantly nauseous. The codeine that was supposed to suppress my cough made me sick - it was very frustrating and I felt very helpless. I found it difficult to move from my bed to the couch, difficult to drink water, and I wasn't hungry at all. But by Tuesday I was feeling better, wasn't throwing up and even managed to leave the house for a couple hours to visit with some friends nearby! Wednesday I was starving and eating everything and Thursday I was out of the house all day!

It's weird, chemo makes you feel so sick and low as if you are dying and then as you wean off the medicine you gain your energy and spirit back. It's exciting and I feel ready to socialize but I have this nag in the back of my mind reminding me that I have to do it all again much too soon.

Next time will be harder too, and that's discouraging. My hair is still here. It's thinning out but it is still here and I am so grateful for it! It's so pretty and I am going to brag because soon it will be taken from me!

Thank you for the prayers, for the meals, for the trinkets, the cards, and the flowers. Thank you for the texts and the Facebook messages and likes - it does not go unnoticed!

 
PS:  Watching House of Cards and Nashville are how I've been passing most of my time! Netflix is the absolute best

It’s okay to fall apart for a little while

You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,

and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.

You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either

 – cry if you need to –

it’s healthy to shed your tears

The sooner you do

the sooner you will be able to smile again 

And a smile doesn’t always mean a person is happy

Sometimes it simply means they are strong enough to face their problems