Why would you waste even one second of that time worrying or being afraid?

We finally had Jacqui’s appointment with her surgeon, Dr. McFadden and he has given her the go  ahead to go back to work – unrestricted – so that’s really good news.  She is starting to get very bored to say the least and this gives her a light at the end of this tunnel!  But there are still a few more hoops to jump through:

1.  The Dr’s office has to send a letter to the insurance company, they assured her that would be done tomorrow. 
2.  Assuming the letter is all in order, the insurance company will approve this and then they will…
3.  Advise Apple that she is ready to return and then…
4.  Apple has to reinstate her into the schedule, this could mean either putting her directly back in or training her again – they take training very seriously, her initial training was something like 13 days!!! 

So who knows when it will actually happen, but at least the ball is rolling and she is on her way to getting back to work – and back to “normal”

Anyways having this in sight is definitely helpful and we’re coming up with ways of keeping her busy – in fact when she does go back to work, I’ll miss having my little “wife” – she’s been grocery shopping, making dinner, baking – I’m not minding that at all!!!

Jacqui’s next scheduled appointment will be at the Tom Baker (cancer clinic) on April 22, and it will be just a regular checkup.  For the time being she will be going in every 3 months just to keep an eye on things with Xrays and CAT scans.  Dr. McFadden suggested she didn’t have a CAT scan until 9 months after the date of surgery because before that any scarring or healing tissue could show up as “suspicious spots” and it would cause a lot of unnecessary concern.  I feel okay with that, as they will be doing xrays before that and it also gives me a time of easy breathing.  It’s hard to explain, but the concern about it coming back is so scary to me, that the idea that I can breath easy even for a few extra months is really comforting.  I can just tell myself everything is okay until Oct 3 (9 months from surgery). 

I’ve been struggling with that - how can I possibly cope with this horrible monster breathing down my back.  Everytime I forget about what’s going on and daydream about happy things in the future, I feel like I come back to earth with a jolt when I think about what else the future might bring.  I was telling this to someone the other day (a very wise person) and she said something like: 

“At least you know that you don’t know what’s going to happen. 

You may have only 6 months or 6 years till disaster strikes again, or you may have 60 years,

but you know that life is uncertain and that you need to appreciate every day

 everyone knows that, but not everyone really knows that.  

Why would you waste even one second of that time worrying or being afraid?”

And it makes so much sense, but it’s hard - it may be simple but it’s not easy – but a discipline, a muscle that I can work to develop. 

It’s like eating chips - a huge bag of chips from Costco vs an individual sized bag.  The tendency (for me anyways) is to open a bag of Costco chips and chow down - loving the first 5 handfuls, and then the next 6 -20 – not so much (I did that just yesterday).  If you have a small bag, you tend to eat them slower and savour them.  Either way it’s good to learn to savour and enjoy!

In the meantime, speaking of muscles – that little Jacqui has been running – yes running – twice this week!!!  She has loved running for years and even though she was able to do the Mother’s Day Run in 2011, just 11 months after her last surgery, because of problems with a really badly fitting leg for the last year and a half, she has been unable to.  She has gone back to her original Prostheticist, John, now that she’s back in Calgary and he has been working with her to get things right!!!  It’s so wonderful to see her feeling confident that her leg won’t “fall off” – and being able to do what she loves.  So we’re signing up for the Mother’s Day Run again – so exciting. 

I’ll end with a quote that has been meaningful to me lately and goes along with my new “exercise regime”:

(a life of faith) is sometimes like a trapeze act.

You can swing on the bar, exercising and building muscles all you want.

But if you want to excel, you have to let go

with nothing beneath you

and reach out for the next trapeze bar

Paul Tournier 

Won’t be the first time I’ve been called a monkey.