When something is set there is nothing to be brave about

If you flee from pain and failure, then you run into them everywhere you go. 

If you find some way to open to them instead, then they may bring their hands from behind their backs and place flowers on your bed.   

Barbara Brown Taylor

Jacqui met with her oncologist on Monday and received the news that the tumors in her lungs are on the move again.  Growing - and fairly rapidly.  Although this wasn't a total surprise, after the last appointment, in July, where things were stable,  it was still disappointing.  Hope dies hard and there is always the hope that the news will be good.   This was not good news. 

Jacqui, as always, took it in her stride and went on to tell the doctor that she is fine and she doesn't want any treatment until she feels unwell.  It's kind of a catch 22 - she feels well, but in order to stay well we have to try to stop the tumors from growing, so she has to have chemo again - and that will make her feel unwell.

I wish it was like following a recipe and that the steps were laid out and if you followed them it all just worked out, but it's not like that at all.  How are we, with so little experience or knowledge, supposed to make these kind of decisions? 

But the decision is hers and over the next couple of months she has plans to go to Vancouver (twice) and a couple of concerts and El Salvador in January.

So we can hope two things:

- that she'll stay healthy and strong until after the El Salvador trip and then she'll look into further treatment

OR

-  symptoms will make themselves apparent long before it's time to go so our decision is clear      

Jacqui also wanted me to add this quote she heard today:

"When something is set there is nothing to be brave about.

It gives me the strangest feeling of power, 

if I am going to die anyway I can do what I want" 

     

A long way of saying "YOLO"