Joy comes to us in moments

It's been almost a month since the last post - time flies when you're having fun... that is true, but it also flies when you're not having fun and this last month has not been fun.

Since her last post, Jacqui has been living with pain as the tumors continue to make their presence known and cause problems as they take up space in her body.  We have had a great home care team visiting us often - nurses, social workers, physiotherapists and even a doctor - who knew they still made house calls.  It has been very comforting to know all these kind people are only a phone call away.  She has had to increase her pain medications weekly and the amounts (to us) are staggering.  She just doesn't feel like herself and every day has it's surprises.

Many of you who follow her on facebook and instagram may find this confusing - she looks so good - but that's only part of what's going on right now, but in spite of everything she still manages to find joy. And she likes to record those moiments - it's not sugar coating or hiding the reality - it's a choice to mark the special times to get through the ones that are not special at all. 

It's like the little jar that Jacqui got from a friend the other day - it's filled with little pieces of paper - on each one is written something that she loves about Jacqui so when she is having a hard time she can read one and feel a little bit of relief - a moment of joy. 

Peter, Jacqui and I did manage to get away (Tyler house sat and took care of princess Jany Valentine) - Victoria, Ucluelet/Tofino and Vancouver.  It was very nice to have a change of scenery and see a few friends and family, but the reality was that pain was a constant companion.  It was good, we were so happy for the beautiful places we saw and stayed and all the experiences but there was always a cloud - figuratively and literally too!!!  Monsoons - but we didn't mind too much because it took away the pressure to do and see everything which is how we usually do things - we could relax a bit more and take it easy. 

We got home on Monday and after a visit with the home care nurse on Tuesday, Jacqui was admitted to the hospital yesterday to try to reconfigure her medications to hopefully provide some relief.  Disappointing place to be - she is missing a concert tonight and plans have to change for a big fun event that was planned for Saturday,  Peter and I are celebrating our 32nd anniversary in the hospital with her today.  It's not good, it just is, we aren't feeling sorry for ourselves (any more than usual haha) and we're not in denial, but these are the moments where we have to just look for the joy (all the love that is constantly being shown to us) and be grateful (we're together) and just do what needs to be done. 

We're not feeling brave or inspirational or strong (these are things we hear - not our evaluations of ourselves!) - we are just living the life we've been given and trying not to squander it. 

Once again we have to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the out pouring of love that we receive on a daily basis from so many - in so many creative and wonderful ways - it is overwhelming.  Jacqui is trying to keep up with the thank you notes, but some get missed and we just can't even ever say thank you properly - so please know that each kindness you show - from the smallest to the biggest - is appreciated so very much.

Scans and tests are happening, we'll update soon. 

Joy comes to us in moments - ordinary moments.