You're gonna hear me roar....

 

Did you know that the Serenity Prayer has a second part?  Well this is it:

Living one day at a time;

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

trusting that He will make all things right

So yesterday was pretty much as we expected.   Chemo was the best option of a few awful options.

On an early episode of Sons of Anarchy (no judging please-but I did have to stop watching it - too much for this girl)  a guy had kept a club tattoo on his back after he had been kicked out of the club.  This was not allowed and the "Sons" gave him the option of "Torch" or "Sander" meaning they would either burn it off with a torch or sand it off with a sander.  That's kind of how I felt yesterday - we chose torch....

 

It will be a higher dose of one of the chemo drugs used in the "cocktail" last time - Ifosfamide - used on it's own, in a larger dosage, it's been quite effective in treatment of Synovial Sarcoma.   

 

So it starts tomorrow. 

 

3 rounds (cycles) to start after which they will do another CT scan to see how the tumor is responding, assess how she is responding and then possibly do up to 3 more. 

 

Each round consists of: 

Week one:  Monday - Blood test (to make sure her blood levels are sufficient to receive the chemo) and appointment with the medical staff and then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - 6 hours a day minimum.  She will come home in the evenings as long as she can handle it, otherwise they'll keep her in for the 3 days.

Weeks 2 & 3:  recovery

 

Repeat

 

And the side effects - it's like reading a horror story - but of course right now the worst and most noticeable for her is loosing her hair again - her beautiful hair. 

 

Have I mentioned that this is exhausting - I know I have but it still is. And although we are hopeful and want to be optimistic, sometimes the losses add up and it's just plain hard to feel positive and relate to that prayer at the start of this entry - it's a fight - not a very fair fight.  So here's a song that Jacqui's been singing a lot these last few months and if you know her at all - some of the images will make you laugh because it's just so her (especially the roaring part) -  

 

Translation in progress. Please wait...

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sit quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready cause I’ve had enough

I see it all, I see it now

 

Now I’m floatin like a butterfly

Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes

I went from zero, to my own hero

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion

Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar

 

 

What we do know/What we don't know

Very quickly - lots have been asking about what's up this week - so here it is:

Today we meet with the Chemo Oncologist starting at 1:15, he will hopefully have the results of the recent PET scan and then be presenting us with a course of action..  Chemo is booked for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of this week.  That is not to say that this is exactly how it will happen, but that is all we know right now. 

What we do know
1.  that we are anxious to get things going
2.  that Jacqui is feeling quite a bit of pain right now in her chest and back
3.  that we are seeing the doctor today

What we don't know
1.  if she will start chemo for sure this week
2.  if so - we don't know what type, how many rounds, how many days it will last
3.  the results of the PET scan

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The Trick is to Keep Breathing

No matter how often I think I can't stand it anymore,

I always do.

There is no alternative, 

I don't fall, I don't foam at the mouth, faint, collapse or die. 

It's the same for all of us. 

You can't get out of the inside of your own head. 

Something keeps you going. 

 Something always does.
 

Janice Galloway, The Trick is to Keep Breathing

Jacqui sent me that quote the other day - I like the part about foaming at the mouth.  We get asked a lot how we don't fall apart and I really don't know.  The other day someone said "I can't even imagine what you're going through" and I thought "Either can I", it's just so hard to believe sometimes  - I look at Jacqui and think, how can she have cancer - it just doesn't make sense, she's too young, has too many hopes, has too many dreams.  

But something keeps you going, something always does....

Faith - yes, even very shaky faith

Family and friends - yes, the love and support is amazing

Little surprises - yes, for example, this little bundle arrived last night!

 

Miss Jany Valentine

 

So a little news - Jacqui got an appointment with her Chemo Oncologist, Dr. Morris, on February 24th - we were annoyed because it's so far away, but when she called back to see if she could get something sooner, they said he was away on the 10th (they do clinics on Mondays) and then the 17th was a holiday - so no, however the nurse did tell Jacqui that Dr. Morris has already scheduled chemo for her for the 24h, 25th and 26th.  (Thunk - I almost started foaming at the mouth).  So this isn`t for sure but as the nurse said it`s easier to cancel than to set it up in a hurry.  What I`m guessing and this could be wrong, is that he knows what he wants to do, he just needs to get Jacqui`s approval.  Last time she had chemo she was on a three week cycle - week one was blood tests Monday, then 8 hours of chemo Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and then recovery week 2 & 3.  She had 4 rounds of this.  So we aren`t sure if it will be similar this time or something different.  Either way the thought of seeing her go through this again makes me sad.

So PET scan on the 14th and Cancer Clinic on the 24th, and then we`ll see what is next.

This is dumb, I hate this.

Pet Scan Date

One little bit of news - Jacqui's PET scan is scheduled for February 14th - Happy Valentine's Day!!!
At least something is happening - it's getting hard to wait again.