Time to learn a little Spanish!

Time to learn a little Spanish!

The appointment with the surgeon, Dr. McFadden, went well on Friday.  He is a very soft spoken, kind and caring man who takes the time to sit down and talk to us like he has all the time in the world. 

Even though we've only really met him a few times, and it's been quite a few months by now, he remembered so many little details about Jacqui's last surgery and about her life that he referred to during the appointment.  This was so reassuring - we feel like he really does care, that she's not just a number.

He told us that her surgery this time would be very similar to last time, that there could be minor complications due to scar tissue and that her recovery might be a little longer this time, but that he thought she would do just fine having it and he expected positive results once again.  He has a way of telling us all the things that can go wrong and then saying "But you're not a risk for that, you'll be fine".

Jacqui told him about wanting to go to El Salvador and he said he didn't think there would be any additional risk for her to have the surgery after her return - then I asked him at least 2 more times if he was sure :)    If all goes to plan (duh duh duh - famous last words) all the preliminary testing will be done before we go and then she will have the surgery a week after her return - so the end of January.

Dr. McFadden asked her about going down there and she told him that people have shown her overwhelming love and kindness over the past years that she feels like there is no way to repay that so she wants to give back by giving to these people who are so needy. To which he replied "I like Scotch" - Bedside manner and a sense of humour!!!

So we left the appointment feeling really good - which is weird - she still has cancer, still has to have major lung surgery, but she gets to keep the El Salvador hope alive.

 

Instead of the cancer taking away El Salvador, it can just wait it's turn.

 



I want to go to Disneyland

The appointment at the Tom Baker Cancer Center was yesterday - Jacqui had an Xray followed by consultation with 3 doctors and a resident - a bit of a three ring circus at times - at one point, it was Jacqui, Peter, I, 2 Drs. and a resident in the very small consulting room at once!  It was overwhelming to say the least.

 

Especially since the news was not good - the two little suspicious spots seen in the CT scan 6 months ago on the left lung are no longer just suspicious - they have grown (one from 4mm to 1 cm and the other from 4mm to 6mm) and they have to be removed. Yes, they are cancer, metastasized from the original - very typical for synovial sarcoma. 

Again, our hearts broke

 as Jacqui sat quietly with tears

rolling down her cheeks

 while being told the news. 

 

Then she proceeded to tell them that she was going to El Salvador to build houses in January - they would have to work around that, then she looked at us and said "I want to go to Disneyland".

So we keep marching on....

One bit of good news was that other than the two, there weren't any other shadows on the left lung and the right lung is clear.  That is a big deal.  Although there was a bit of confusion as the tech had read the scan wrong and said there was a spot on each lung.  Our favorite Dr. Pulaski quickly went to check and came back to say the right did look clear - there had been a mistake. 

 

Thankfully we didn't have to wait long to get an appointment with the Thoracic surgeon - same one as last time - his office called today and she is going for a consultation on Friday.

 

So in answer to all other questions - my answer is "I don't know" and I will alternate that with "We have to wait".

We process this - in our family - in 4 very different ways, it's hard to mourn this loss of hope (not totally, but the hope that this time it would be okay), try not to worry about what's coming (we've been through this and know what to expect) and comfort each other at the same time - collectively we feel bored with this disease and it's demands and exhausted from keeping it together.

 

Thanks to all who have been reaching out, supporting us with your thoughts and prayers and in so many other ways.  One of the hardest parts is that everyone is so supportive and we feel like we are  disappointing everyone once again.  This is not meant to be a plea for sympathy or self serving, it's just so touching to see how many care so deeply - it's humbling. 

 

So bad news....

but then someone reminded me about the Farmer from my last blog...

Maybe...

Maybe

This afternoon is the CT scan - and yesterday someone told us this story:

Maybe
Once upon the time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“Maybe,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
“Maybe,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
“Maybe,” said the farmer.


It's all perspective.....Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanks John!

So people having been asking - How’s Jacqui?

So people having been asking - How’s Jacqui?  How is she feeling?  What’s next? – so I guess it’s time for a little update.   

Summer flew by, starting with the flood and then Jacqui moving out at the beginning of July.  Tyler got busier in his job and is rarely home, and we’re almost feeling like empty nesters again – he’s looking forward to making us real empty nesters again! 

It was summer - road trips and plane trips, lazy, long dinners on the deck, tomatoes from our garden, weddings, bare feet, being warm  

Now it’s fall – long sleeves, routine, falling leaves, jackets, dark mornings and evenings, chilly air and appointments.... 

So to answer the questions:   Jacqui is doing well - living in her new place, enjoying work, going to music festivals, hanging with friends, making plans to go to El Salvador to build houses in January.  She looks healthy and is feeling really good...

What’s next? 

On Monday she went for blood tests

October 14^th –  CT scan -  yes thanksgiving day 

October 21^st - Tom Baker Clinic for a checkup and meet with her oncologists to find out the results of the scan

October 28 – another follow up visit 

I’ve hesitated even talking about this and now even typing it puts a lump in my throat and I am back to reminding myself to breathe.  I don’t want to seem fatalistic or pessimistic, but no matter how positive we may seem - it’s scary.   

I have to think back to that blog I wrote awhile ago about turning around into the darkness (the unknown) and just taking tiny steps to see what it holds.  "So much has been based on what I can see within the light, maybe I need to use other senses and accept the darkness (the unknown) and the beauty that is hidden within it."

So I can go into this two ways: 

Walk in slowly, shoulders hunched in protection, my arms folded around me, breathing shallowly and my eyes squinty in case something looms up that I don’t want to see.  
 

Walk in confidently with my arms open, a smile on my face – expecting the very best – positive thoughts, making plans, future hope - savoring every moment...come what may.

I'm doing a bit of both - trying for more of the second.

So if you are so inclined, we would appreciate your thoughts and prayers.