More from Peter....

Faith versus hope.

 

I used to be pretty certain that I knew the difference between these two words. Faith is believing in something you know to be true but can't necessarily prove it. Hope is just wishing for something - like I hope to win the lottery,  however lately I feel like my faith has turned to hope. I hope there is a God, I hope Jacqui’s surgery goes well. When I try to analyze why I am feeling this way, I guess I am just not as certain as I once was, about anything. I think for the most part I was living in a fantasy world, living my life with really no major tragedies or problems. When something does happen you assume things will work out the way you want them to and when they don’t, then what? Bad things happen all the time, to everyone, really, that is life. It basically comes down to how you are going to handle it when the going gets tough.

In the movie, Signs (I know it has Mel Gibson in it but still a good flick) he gives this speech to his brother (for you movie buffs out there, I altered it slightly and took out the reference to the spaceships) He says to his brother:

 

“People break down into two groups when they experience something lucky.

Group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for them.

Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance. For them, the situation is fifty-fifty. Could be bad, could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they're on their own. And that fills them with fear.

Yeah, there are those people. But there's a whole lot of people in the Group number one, they're looking at a miracle. And deep down, they feel that whatever's going to happen, there will be someone there to help them. And that fills them with hope.

See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky?

Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences?”

Does Jacqui have cancer for a reason? is there a message of hope that she is living out?  Am I too close to see it or am I refusing to look for it. I know she is an inspiration to some, (myself included) probably more than we will know and probably more of one than if she had been living her life as I would have planned out for her

I need to look at the positives, yes Jacqui has cancer, again, but the upside is we still have her and we still have a fighting chance to beat this effing disease. Hope. Some aren’t given a chance to fight, they lose their life in an accident or some terrible way, and they are gone. I would think that would be so much more difficult to handle as there is no hope in that case. 

I have people saying to me that they can’t imagine how they could handle the situation we are in and to be honest, there are some days where I don’t think I can handle it and yet life continues, your job still brings you to work each day, you continue to breath, eat, live and sleep (sleep is more difficult but may be overrated too) you continue to function even when things seem less important, less meaningful, you continue to live your life and try to remain hopeful. And really, no matter how bad you think things are there really are people living through way more difficult situations then the one you are in.

So this holiday season, all I really want is to put hope in my faith and faith in my hope. I really want to be in that first group and see the signs and evidence that there is someone up there watching out for us.

We have a date!!!

We have a date!!! Jan 3…

No Brady Christmas for this Carol! But that’s okay, at least we know something.

I had started this entry this morning, but didn’t have time to finish before I had to run to yoga, I have to practise my breathing so I can teach Jacqui the yoga breathing technique to help her gain lung capacity after the surgery.  Anyways, I’m so glad I didn’t post what I had, I was feeling very discouraged, it wasn’t pretty, I felt really at the end of what I could handle - I felt like I was floating in a big bubble of water and trying to breathe…hmmm isn’t that drowning? Sadly that feeling is not eased by comfort eating or binge drinking…

When I got home there was a voice mail from the surgeon’s office regarding a surgery date, after another voice mail we finally touched base and it’s set for January 3^rd.  My reaction was absolute relief; it’s just so exhausting to just be in limbo.  I’m sure other emotions will follow as reality sets in, but it’s so good to have a starting point.  And this is only the beginning.

Earlier in the week, Jacqui called to see if there was any indication of when it might be and was told that the schedule was only set a week in advance and we would find out seven days before – that was so frustrating, a week before when – will that be 2 weeks, 2 months, what????  It is such an awful feeling to have absolutely no control, to try and plan even the littlest thing while having this big thing hanging over our heads. 

So, now I feel like we can actually plan for Christmas, with no pressure – I suddenly realized that apparently I have all my Christmas shopping done, I seriously don’t even know how that happened!  And our neighbors brought over a bunch of baking yesterday – so that’s done -  and a bottle of wine – so maybe just a little bingeing!!!!

Many people say “God’s timing is always perfect” – maybe, but I wonder sometimes!!!!!  Many, many years ago I heard a song about God’s timing that has always stuck with me when I’m waiting for something – this is one of the verses:

In your way and in your time

That’s how it’s going to be in my life

And though some prayers I’ve prayed may seem unanswered yet

You never come to quickly or too late

And I will pray and not regret the time

In your time – there is rest 

Don’t regret the time, just rest – when will I learn? 

She really is 1 in a million!!!

Very quick update after a 3 hour series of appointments today - first of all no surgery date yet!  Now that all the pre-admission requirements have been met, setting the date is the next step.  I think Jacqui may call Dr. MacFadden tomorrow or the next day to spur things on, whether that will do anything or not I don’t know, but we don’t want them to forget us.

So she met with a nurse who took all her vitals, then someone came in to do an EKG, then the anesthesiology doctor came in to talk about that and pain management after surgery and then we spent some time talking with the physiotherapist about getting her lungs working well asap after surgery.

The process is to get patients up and around as soon as they can after surgery, same day if possible, this helps to clear out the air passages, aides in the healing process and helps to prevent any developments ie pneumonia.  Of course she has a little extra challenge because she might have trouble fitting in her leg after the surgery so it will be hard to get around.  Crutches and walkers may not be an option because she won’t be permitted to lift more than 10 lbs after surgery and both of these require lifting her own weight,  so we are going to have to be creative, but everyone was very positive and encouraging about her otherwise good health and hopefully quick recovery.

The whole thing was exhausting, J had to go to work after the appointment, I came home and fell asleep for an hour! 

What is synovial sarcoma?

Synovial sarcoma is a type of soft-tissue sarcoma. It is a rare cancer. Only about 1 to 3 individuals in a million people are diagnosed with this disease each year.  

She really is one is a million!!!

Some thoughts from Peter

-but first a quick update

Wednesday, Jacqui had a phone appointment for pre-admissions at Foothills with a nurse named Val.  It took about ½ an hour and they gathered a lot of information from J and asked a lot of questions.  Looks like she has to avoid a few things for up to 14 days before surgery so she hasn't been told to start yet, so timing.....?

This morning she had to have bloodwork done and then on Monday she has her pre-admissions appointment at the Foothills where she will visit 3 different departments and come home with a booklet detailing how surgery will take place and all sorts of other information.  Maybe we'll get a better idea of the date after that - or not.

Peter wrote what's below a little bit ago - it took him awhile to be okay to share it - I know it will be shocking to some (hahaha), but I do alot of the talking and sharing, so it's great that he can give his perspective as well:

Putting my thoughts down in writing, kind of a new thing for me but here goes. 

My Daughter has cancer, again. As a Dad, this is something I can’t control and I can't fix. What a helpless feeling. Aren’t Dads supposed to fix things? Have all the answers? Never let their kids see you cry? This is so frustrating and so humbling. To know I am not able to be my child’s superhero. It breaks my heart. To know I can't help prevent this, I can't stop this and I can't fix this makes me question what can I do? And yet, Jacqui has never once asked me to fix this, stop this, prevent this. She continues to amaze me. In all honesty, she has become my super hero. I always thought your kids were supposed to learn from

you however I have quickly learned that this is a two way street and I continue to learn from her and I couldn't be more proud of her.

As a man of faith, there are days when i think I used to be a man of faith,  but deep down it’s still there but my faith has been tested far beyond what I can comprehend. There are days when I question why her, why my family, why do we have to go through this again. Questions that I know can't be answered until I meet God one day. For now, I have to trust and really just marvel in the way that His love shines through the many people who have cared for us and continue to amaze us with their outpouring of love and support. That in itself can be hard to take as you are taught that it always better to give than receive, better to help than be helped. But as nice as those sentiments are all you can do is accept the love and say thank you. Which of course you feel that it’s never enough, for now that’s all I can give back.

Waiting... waiting for appointments, waiting for Doctors, waiting for tests, waiting for results. So difficult to be patient, knowing its a process that you have to wait while it unfolds. Yet life goes on. Some days you wish you could just fast forward through all the commercials so you can see what happens in the show. Yet sometimes its what happens during the commercial break that can effect how you feel. Jacqui looks great, and is feeling well. So unlike last time where she actually had a pain in her foot, that affected her lifestyle, there was something showing that was affecting her health. this time around its unseen and unfelt. This makes it more unreal and yet more scary as its invisible. So as the days and weeks go by, day to day life starts to take the appearance that everything is ok and yet this black cloud is hovering over us. A cloud, which at this point we are unsure how bad of a storm is brewing... So you never get too comfortable because that you know that a storm is coming, you just don’t know how bad it will be.