Today is 6 weeks since the service for Jacqui....
Yesterday it was seven weeks since she left us....
So many things have happened since then that she would had so much to say about:
Big Brother has started, this season's disastrous Batchelorette, more George and baby Charlotte pix, Michael Buble expecting his second child, we saw Jurassic Park World without her, concerts both large and local have come and gone without their biggest fan.
Birthdays of family and friends, Father's Day (although she had gifts stashed away that we found or received in the mail), wedding showers, baby showers, special visitors from England and El Salvador, gatherings of family and friends for Canada day, Stampede breakfasts and parties, sunny afternoons/evenings on patios and nacho night...now Tyler has to make the guacamole - he's doing pretty good - she taught him well.
And for me, Facebook and Instagram are just not the same without her - for those of you that follow me on Instagram (carolsunshine) you know that I have started posting pictures of her every week on Thursday for "Throw back Thursday" - #tbtjdubs #missingjdubs - I just can't help myself - I just miss seeing her face on there so much. So to those that follow me, thanks for the indulgence.
I've gone back to work part time, to a place I really love - so that helps. Peter and Tyler went back a while ago. Life is moving forward, life is moving on...or so it seems.
Everyday, a hundred times a day, I wait for a text or a call from her and then remember.
Everyday, I turn around to tell her something and then remember.
Everyday, when I'm home, I wait for the door to burst open and for her to rush in and tell me something new.
Tears are always close to the surface and constant reminders bring them closer, but I'm getting really good at hiding my shock when they come and gulping back my feelings. Not always, but I can look pretty well adjusted, I can laugh and enjoy myself. I try not to feel bad when I use her things - like her car - it's like I'm admitting she's not coming back. Don't get me wrong, I am not swallowing my feelings, I just try to keep them for a more appropriate time.
Having said that, when others cry or show sadness when they're with me or remember her in many different ways, it actually makes me feel a little better. It reminds me that she was loved, and in turn, we are too.
People ask "How are you doing?" and the truest answer is "Fine, considering..."
As I've said before it's like living with chronic pain, or more fitting, an amputation. I'm fine, I'm functioning, but just trying to learn to live with one of my parts missing - constantly adjusting, never completely comfortable.
Jacqui did it so well, I can only hope to follow her example.
I have heard from several people that were unable to be there that they would like to see the video of the service and this seemed the best place to post it for easy access. Thanks to the efforts of Justin and Kyle, it is posted below. Please note because of copyrights there is no sound for the picture videos, but they were both posted a few weeks back in this blog if you would like to get the full version.
http://youtu.be/ghzaaqEQ8GU
