It's not happy, so we just have to be happy

It's been a few weeks - good weeks  - of recovering from that last brutal round of chemo, catching up on things that have been forgotten during the last few months, a regular routine - no hospital visits - scheduled or emergency.  The times between appointments or treatments - when Jacqui is looking well and feeling well and hopeful are the times that we can forget for a little while and pretend that life is  "normal".  

The funny thing is when Jacqui is feeling so good and looking so good, it's hard to imagine that there is really anything bad going on behind the scenes at all - people say this to her all the time.

But an appointment is coming and before we go to see the doctor, we need to sit down and talk about:
- what questions we want to ask
- what questions we don't want to ask
- all the types of treatment, alternative treatments, alternative medicines, clinical  trials
- when she can go back to work, can she go back full time

I don't want to forget anything important - so I make lists on my phone, in my journal, in my notebook at work, on the notepad on the fridge, on my hand to write down somewhere else later.  And I read up on Synovial Sarcoma, I read things that make me hopeful and I read things that make me cry.

These weeks as we've celebrated births, reunions, birthdays, graduations, weddings, showers, mother's day, sunny days, Peter and Ty went to NYC - each event - though I try to stay in the moment, sometimes my mind wanders to "what if's".  Most days are good, a few aren't. 
 
And today was the appointment - the usual routine:

- check in

- wait

- blood test

- wait

- see the nurse, get vitals taken

- wait

- and then the doctor comes in and we dutifully ask all the questions on our list

- really there's not much to say other than when we asked if he thought the chemo was successful, he said she looks better and feels better so sometimes that's better evidence than what's on the CT scan

- there are no answers

- basically we have to wait

- until they do the next CT scan in July and we get the results 

At that point we'll see how things are and make a decision on further treatment - different chemo, surgery, radiation - who knows?  It's such a rare, unknown cancer - I find myself envious of those who have common cancers - with tried and true treatments - that's just how weird this gets.

Today he used the phrase "advanced cancer" and other related, suggestive phrases - that's hard to hear. It seems like all there is to do right now is to wait and be patient.  As I just said to a friend, it's not happy, so we just have to be happy,  sooooo......

 - we leave Friday....