We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey

A long week at the hospital has finally ended!  Jacqueline is home from the hospital and the pain is being managed much more efficiently.  Those of you who have experience severe pain know that when you are being treated you are constantly asked what your level of pain is, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst).  When Jacqueline went in to the hospital last week, her pain was consistently about 6-7, spiking to 8-9 often throughout the day, now it is hovering around 3-4 with very few spikes.  We would love it to be 0, but that would likely mean a constant sleepy state. She is feeling pretty good about where she is at and we are finding her more herself than she's been since January. 

We found out some interesting things in the hospital after all the usual poking and prodding and testing:

- The tumors are growing, her left lung is now about 95% taken over (a big increase from a month ago)

- Her heart has been pushed completely over to the right side

- She is operating on a 30 - 40% lung capacity

This is all bad news, but the amazing thing is that although these things are traumatic, because they have been relatively gradual, her body has adapted and she is still not needing oxygen - pretty amazing!  But of course with things as they are we know that things could change quickly and so we continue to try to live each day intentionally:

we must embrace pain

and burn it as fuel for our journey

                                      Kenji Miyazawa

Her condition, these facts, open the door for many very serious conversations that are hard and sad, but she was able to have some of them - with us, with friends and with others that brought some healing and hope.  Being at this stage brings what you think and believe into focus in a way that never truly happens any other time.

Her time in the hospital was very eventful, two different rooms, 7 different roommates - men and women - MANY interesting, some very sad stories.   So often over the years the staff have looked at her as young and healthy other than the cancer (which makes me crazy so I remind them) and this is somewhat understandable as she is probably the same age as the majority of the nurses and 30 - 40 years younger than any patient.  But this group of nurses was different and they really took the time to engage with her as not only a patient but as a peer. Recognizing that Jacqueline is going through something they don't otherwise associate as something that could happen to them.  Often we'd come in and one of the nurses would be sitting down just chatting - it was really nice.  Also the doctor, resident and all other staff were so kind - that really helped to make it so much better  - because from the moment she arrived she was asking when she could go home.

Speaking of which, she did get a couple passes on the weekend so one night we went to a family friend's house and visited with dear old friends who had come from far and wide to all be together. Events had to change because of the hospital stay but the joy of being together was wonderful!  And the other was just at home - just the family - some well needed "alone" time, a visit with Jany Valentine and of course Nachos (it was Sunday after all).

So she's home, the medication is organized - thank goodness.  I have taken a leave because organizing that is a full time job - and this Sunday is Easter -  a time of renewal and hope  - and in our journey we are reminded:

there is no hope unmingled with fear

and no fear unmingled with hope

                                                                                               Baruch Spinoza