Grateful not Grateful

To start - Jacqueline is stable here at home, we're just going one day at a time, so this entry won't really have any news. It's more just an observation I wanted to write about, so feel free to ignore - I know this isn't about me haha!!!

A few years ago closer to the start of this whole cancer thing, I started off the year with a gratitude journal - I have several journals for different things and this just seemed a good and natural thing for me to do.  I kept it up faithfully for a few years and it was great to help me to focus in both the good and bad times but frankly last year every day it was becoming a huge chore and it was getting harder and harder to come up with things or it was the same thing over and over because some days were just so difficult. 

My last entry was on November 19/14 and this is what I wrote:

"Here is what I'm not thankful for today - chemo starts tomorrow, we probably won't be able to go to El Salvador in January (and a few other things too personal to share).  I will have to look hard for something today"

And that was it - she did start chemo and we didn't get to go back to El Salvador and I guess I didn't find anything to be thankful for that day because I never opened that journal again - until recently

And then I read this:

It is not joy that makes us grateful

It is gratitude that makes us joyful - Brother David Steindl-Rast

That inspired me to try this again but as I started I realized that for now, during this hard time, many things that I feel grateful for have a flip side, for example:

I'm so grateful that I can be home to be with Jacqueline BUT I'm so ungrateful that she's going through this

Or

I was so grateful for the great run I had on this beautiful morning BUT ungrateful that she can't run with me anymore. 

So I think I will change my journal to a "Grateful not Grateful" journal - I think it's more real, more honest, more me.  I guess I just like the balance - apparently a feature of a Libra.